SO, I don't know if anyone is reading my posts these days, but I will continue to blog. Since starting this page I wasn't sure what it would be about and thus far the subject is constantly changing, but I think I'm going to try something different. I've had several people tell me I need to write a book. After hearing it a thousand times, I thought sure why not.
It ain't as easy as it looks people! I am having the hardest time staying focused, coming up with a story line, etc. I am a bit undisciplined so that is definitely working against me right about now.
So the thought occured to me that I always have people calling me up asking me questions about sexual health, why not make my blog about that?? Hmm, there is a thought! So, I'm going to try it and hopefully I will stand out amongst all of the sex topics online and give men and women some really good information. I can already tell you it's not going to happen over night, but give me about a week or two and I will have something up.
I will say that the first few blogs will probably come from books that I have next to the bed and some from experience, but that's what being a good researcher is all about.
Have a great weekend everyone, anyone, someone.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I'm Back Ya'll
I’ve been toying with the idea of starting this blog up again, clearly starting it won out. I don’t have my good friend to talk to about such things, so I will have to reach out to the blogger community for their comments.
Dating sucks! I know it’s a means to an end, but the game and finding the right connections are such a chore. The men in my life right now have me so ‘noid (annoyed not paranoid).
Situation #1:
I met this dude about two years ago, really in passing, but we seem to keep bumping into each other so I he’s interested, he seems nice, I give him the number. The conversation is BORING as hell. I really know very little about him because he spends the majority of the time telling me about the famous people he works with. Am I suppose to like him for him or for the people he knows? And then ya’ll wonder why women in Atlanta are so star struck…
Situation #2:
Let me begin by saying I LOVE gay black men. One of my ex’s is now gay, but let him know I said that, he prefers bi, but if you have only had dick for the last 5 years, you are gay. But this isn’t about him. I met this new guy online. Once again, he seemed nice, a little churchy, but maybe I need a little of that. Online, the conversation was cool so I give him the number so we can connect. Offline his conversation sucks! I feel like I’m struggling for things to talk about when I’m on the phone with him, but I’m trying to go outside of my normal. I overlooked the fact that he directs choir and sings at/plans weddings, but the signs started appearing and my gaydar went way high! Sign number 1: At least once or twice a week he has to tell me he’s not gay. What straight man does that? Sign number 2: I have heard him scream like a little girl for whatever reason on two occasions at least, and he has had the twang (not trying to stereotype, but ya’ll know). Sign number 3: He went to get his locs twisted by his “brother”. His brother is a truck driver and he previously told me they don’t even really get along. I don’t know ya’ll, but I don’t know of men, let alone truck drivers that are going to twist another man’s hair. I just want him to stop being dishonest with himself.
Situation #3:
I met this guy almost a year ago. Right off the bat I was attracted to him, but strangely I was annoyed by him as well. It may have been the fact that he wouldn’t leave my side from the time he walked up to me. I gave him my number under an assumed name and assumed I never hear from him again. WRONG. He kept calling and I kept sending it to voicemail, but he was persistent so I finally gave him and saw him about 6 months later. He was still annoying, but sexy as ever so I let him hit. I must say I thoroughly enjoyed myself, so when the opportunity arose again about 3 months later; we hooked up again despite the fact that in the interim I discovered he was married. Hey, a woman has needs. This time it wasn’t as good. He wasn’t listening when I said I had had enough of one activity or wanted to try a different position. It was like he had to be in control of how everything went. That happens to be how our conversations go as well. Later, he complained that I was selfish because I wouldn’t give oral or stroke his dick or touch him the way he wanted to be touched. I was cool, at first. I first pointed out that I already put it out there up front that oral was out of the question. At the same time, I was trying to understand exactly what it was he wanted me to do that I didn’t do. When he finished his two hour rant I explained to him that what he wanted I reserve for real relationships, not fuck sessions. We agreed to disagree. The subject came up again yesterday and this time I was pissed because it was his same argument about what HE wanted and what HE didn’t get and what HE was use to. Then he let the words fall, “I care about you and when two people care about each other they should care about what the other wants.” Well, there’s the disconnect, I don’t care about him, I just liked the sex. I guess I better walk away before this gets really ugly. Damn, I can’t do celibacy again so I guess I will have to pull out the big guns this time around.
Dating sucks! I know it’s a means to an end, but the game and finding the right connections are such a chore. The men in my life right now have me so ‘noid (annoyed not paranoid).
Situation #1:
I met this dude about two years ago, really in passing, but we seem to keep bumping into each other so I he’s interested, he seems nice, I give him the number. The conversation is BORING as hell. I really know very little about him because he spends the majority of the time telling me about the famous people he works with. Am I suppose to like him for him or for the people he knows? And then ya’ll wonder why women in Atlanta are so star struck…
Situation #2:
Let me begin by saying I LOVE gay black men. One of my ex’s is now gay, but let him know I said that, he prefers bi, but if you have only had dick for the last 5 years, you are gay. But this isn’t about him. I met this new guy online. Once again, he seemed nice, a little churchy, but maybe I need a little of that. Online, the conversation was cool so I give him the number so we can connect. Offline his conversation sucks! I feel like I’m struggling for things to talk about when I’m on the phone with him, but I’m trying to go outside of my normal. I overlooked the fact that he directs choir and sings at/plans weddings, but the signs started appearing and my gaydar went way high! Sign number 1: At least once or twice a week he has to tell me he’s not gay. What straight man does that? Sign number 2: I have heard him scream like a little girl for whatever reason on two occasions at least, and he has had the twang (not trying to stereotype, but ya’ll know). Sign number 3: He went to get his locs twisted by his “brother”. His brother is a truck driver and he previously told me they don’t even really get along. I don’t know ya’ll, but I don’t know of men, let alone truck drivers that are going to twist another man’s hair. I just want him to stop being dishonest with himself.
Situation #3:
I met this guy almost a year ago. Right off the bat I was attracted to him, but strangely I was annoyed by him as well. It may have been the fact that he wouldn’t leave my side from the time he walked up to me. I gave him my number under an assumed name and assumed I never hear from him again. WRONG. He kept calling and I kept sending it to voicemail, but he was persistent so I finally gave him and saw him about 6 months later. He was still annoying, but sexy as ever so I let him hit. I must say I thoroughly enjoyed myself, so when the opportunity arose again about 3 months later; we hooked up again despite the fact that in the interim I discovered he was married. Hey, a woman has needs. This time it wasn’t as good. He wasn’t listening when I said I had had enough of one activity or wanted to try a different position. It was like he had to be in control of how everything went. That happens to be how our conversations go as well. Later, he complained that I was selfish because I wouldn’t give oral or stroke his dick or touch him the way he wanted to be touched. I was cool, at first. I first pointed out that I already put it out there up front that oral was out of the question. At the same time, I was trying to understand exactly what it was he wanted me to do that I didn’t do. When he finished his two hour rant I explained to him that what he wanted I reserve for real relationships, not fuck sessions. We agreed to disagree. The subject came up again yesterday and this time I was pissed because it was his same argument about what HE wanted and what HE didn’t get and what HE was use to. Then he let the words fall, “I care about you and when two people care about each other they should care about what the other wants.” Well, there’s the disconnect, I don’t care about him, I just liked the sex. I guess I better walk away before this gets really ugly. Damn, I can’t do celibacy again so I guess I will have to pull out the big guns this time around.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Hero Complex
Greetings Ladies and Gentlemen. I know it has been a while since I’ve had something to blog about and the time to do so. I hope all is well with everyone. Sit back, read, and by all means, let me know what’s on your mind…
I am thoroughly convinced that some men, not all, have a Hero Complex. What is a Hero Complex? This is where the man feels he has to rescue the damsel in distress in order to feel better about himself. He may give her money, run errands for her or even invite her on trips to get away from her “issues”. Never you mind, what they have been telling us, ladies, about not wanting a clingy woman or a gold digger. Some men are naturally attracted to women who are needy. They don’t want a woman who is working hard to provide for herself and who is taking care of her business. They can’t help you. They can’t “uplift” you. Or so they think. But we know differently don’t we ladies. Just like a strong man needs a strong woman at his side like Coretta was for Martin and Camille is for Bill, we, as strong Black women, need a strong man by our side even if it’s just to cook us a meal, take the baby for a while, massage our feet or caress our face and let us know that we are loved and he has our back. It’s quite the sad commentary when the only male that has your best interest and well being at heart is your brother, not your lover, not your baby daddy, not your husband, but your brother. And they wonder why we go off. Built up STRESSS. And I ain’t talking about sex. Dyck comes just as easily as pu$$y, and some of ya’ll ain’t working it right in the first place so that just adds to the frustration…but I digress.
After you’ve been out fighting for everything you have, you just want to come home and feel appreciated and feel loved and know that in your inner circle you don’t have to fight because all that you have will be protected, all that you need will be provided and that place in your chest that feels hollow or maybe like someone is stepping on you, you won’t feel that any more because he is there. Your Hero has come to comfort you.
"Thunder only happens when it's raining.
Players only love you while they're playing.
Women, they will come and they will go.
When the rain washes you clean you will know."
Dreams ~ Stevie Nicks
I am thoroughly convinced that some men, not all, have a Hero Complex. What is a Hero Complex? This is where the man feels he has to rescue the damsel in distress in order to feel better about himself. He may give her money, run errands for her or even invite her on trips to get away from her “issues”. Never you mind, what they have been telling us, ladies, about not wanting a clingy woman or a gold digger. Some men are naturally attracted to women who are needy. They don’t want a woman who is working hard to provide for herself and who is taking care of her business. They can’t help you. They can’t “uplift” you. Or so they think. But we know differently don’t we ladies. Just like a strong man needs a strong woman at his side like Coretta was for Martin and Camille is for Bill, we, as strong Black women, need a strong man by our side even if it’s just to cook us a meal, take the baby for a while, massage our feet or caress our face and let us know that we are loved and he has our back. It’s quite the sad commentary when the only male that has your best interest and well being at heart is your brother, not your lover, not your baby daddy, not your husband, but your brother. And they wonder why we go off. Built up STRESSS. And I ain’t talking about sex. Dyck comes just as easily as pu$$y, and some of ya’ll ain’t working it right in the first place so that just adds to the frustration…but I digress.
After you’ve been out fighting for everything you have, you just want to come home and feel appreciated and feel loved and know that in your inner circle you don’t have to fight because all that you have will be protected, all that you need will be provided and that place in your chest that feels hollow or maybe like someone is stepping on you, you won’t feel that any more because he is there. Your Hero has come to comfort you.
"Thunder only happens when it's raining.
Players only love you while they're playing.
Women, they will come and they will go.
When the rain washes you clean you will know."
Dreams ~ Stevie Nicks
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Reading Really Is Fundamental
As someone who loves books and learning, I believe there are some books that as a Black person, as an African American, I just have to read and keep in my collection for my children to read. I’m not talking about the drama-filled books that you find at Wal Mart by the check out stand or in the book club rotations. No, I’m talking about the books that bring our history to life and make us think and connect the dots so that perhaps once we gain a better understanding of how we got HERE, we can make some personal as well as social changes to help us get THERE.
Currently, I’m reading The Souls of Black Folk. In reading The Souls, I had a light bulb moment when reading over the successes and failures of the Freedman’s Bureau and the Freedman’s bank and the affects their eventual collapse had on the psyche of black people during that time. It occurred to me that we are still feeling the residual effects today.
I’m older and a little bit smarter than I was say 7-8 years ago, so I’m paying more attention to my finances and the legacy, inheritance I will leave with my children. In The Souls, it talks about how many of the ex-slaves began saving their money with the Freedman’s bank only to have the bank collapse and along with losing their money, losing their faith in man, government and banking institutions. And so it clicked to me that this issue that we have as a people today with saving and credit, etc. is borne out of a fear and faithlessness that was created over a century ago. And in order to combat this issues and provide for our children a different existence, a different way of dealing with money we have to 1) stop blaming our parents and our parents’ parents because they were doing the best with what they knew, and 2)gain some understanding for how their “way” became to be and know that they thought they were ‘protecting’ us and, 3)armed with that knowledge we must now seek to teach ourselves and our children about the financial systems at work so that we can end this cycle of forever struggling.
The best way for us to protect our children today is to arm them with the knowledge they need to grow wealth and control their own destiny.
For those of us who did not take African or African-American Studies courses in college, and have only heard about these types of books, but haven’t read them, it would behoove us to take up “arms” and read. For those of us who did take those classes and haven’t touched the books since taking those classes, it makes sense to re-read them now that we are older and a little bit more mature and hopefully wiser so as to get a better overstanding of the information that is being brought forth. Then, perhaps collectively and singly, we can take a serious look at the problems that prevail in our communities and take on the tasks of eradicating them for good so that we all can grow and prosper.
Currently, I’m reading The Souls of Black Folk. In reading The Souls, I had a light bulb moment when reading over the successes and failures of the Freedman’s Bureau and the Freedman’s bank and the affects their eventual collapse had on the psyche of black people during that time. It occurred to me that we are still feeling the residual effects today.
I’m older and a little bit smarter than I was say 7-8 years ago, so I’m paying more attention to my finances and the legacy, inheritance I will leave with my children. In The Souls, it talks about how many of the ex-slaves began saving their money with the Freedman’s bank only to have the bank collapse and along with losing their money, losing their faith in man, government and banking institutions. And so it clicked to me that this issue that we have as a people today with saving and credit, etc. is borne out of a fear and faithlessness that was created over a century ago. And in order to combat this issues and provide for our children a different existence, a different way of dealing with money we have to 1) stop blaming our parents and our parents’ parents because they were doing the best with what they knew, and 2)gain some understanding for how their “way” became to be and know that they thought they were ‘protecting’ us and, 3)armed with that knowledge we must now seek to teach ourselves and our children about the financial systems at work so that we can end this cycle of forever struggling.
The best way for us to protect our children today is to arm them with the knowledge they need to grow wealth and control their own destiny.
For those of us who did not take African or African-American Studies courses in college, and have only heard about these types of books, but haven’t read them, it would behoove us to take up “arms” and read. For those of us who did take those classes and haven’t touched the books since taking those classes, it makes sense to re-read them now that we are older and a little bit more mature and hopefully wiser so as to get a better overstanding of the information that is being brought forth. Then, perhaps collectively and singly, we can take a serious look at the problems that prevail in our communities and take on the tasks of eradicating them for good so that we all can grow and prosper.
Holiday Greetings
Reposted from a listserve...
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasions or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer: no trees were harmed in the sending of this message however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasions or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer: no trees were harmed in the sending of this message however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Situations
1. Exactly how long should you wait to receive a "Thank You" when you deliver a birthday gift to someone before calling them to say, "I just wanted to know if you were enjoying your gift".
2. I have a friend, who for all appearances, is quite successful. I've been knowing this person for almost three years now and I have yet to hear them say that life is good. It's always my life is shit. I'm just trying to figure out what is it that they are searching for that keeps them feeling this way. Well, I guess that's not for me to figure out but for them to figure out. I only hope that I don't become the person that is never satisfied. Right now, I go through these 3-4 year spurts where everything is good and then I get restless and I go back to school or have a child, right now I'm thinking of going back to school or entering a training certification program. Am I looking at my future when I look at my friend??
3. My sister, I love her dearly, but I want her to get out of this f'ed up situation that she is choosing to stay in for "fear of failure". She has been separated for the 2/3 of her marriage. Her "husband" lives with another woman and she dates other men. She wanted to refinance her house, but where she lives your husband has to also sign regardless of the fact that he has NEVER lived in the house. Well, fool decided to use that as a bargaining tool and unless my sister dropped the child support case, he was not going to sign the papers. So what happened, she lost the refinancing and the money she paid to have the house appraised. And she still doesn't have any child support money. Damn.
4. BD2 is calling me with all kinds of attitude because the income withholding order did not specify "how" the money should be deducted from his check. So now he wants me to call over the world to find out how it will be done. I just don't understand why it is men look to us to carry the load all of the damn time. This is a pattern with him that is really annoying particularly because he's someone who is always trying to tell everybody else how to handle their business.
Men are such interesting creatures. They present one way and then flip it on you later. They want to pound their chest and show off their "manhood", but then they are looking to the woman to handle everything. They plant their seed and have children that they like to parade around in front of their families as if to say "look what I did", but then behind closed doors they don't really want to take care of them. I just don't understand it!
2. I have a friend, who for all appearances, is quite successful. I've been knowing this person for almost three years now and I have yet to hear them say that life is good. It's always my life is shit. I'm just trying to figure out what is it that they are searching for that keeps them feeling this way. Well, I guess that's not for me to figure out but for them to figure out. I only hope that I don't become the person that is never satisfied. Right now, I go through these 3-4 year spurts where everything is good and then I get restless and I go back to school or have a child, right now I'm thinking of going back to school or entering a training certification program. Am I looking at my future when I look at my friend??
3. My sister, I love her dearly, but I want her to get out of this f'ed up situation that she is choosing to stay in for "fear of failure". She has been separated for the 2/3 of her marriage. Her "husband" lives with another woman and she dates other men. She wanted to refinance her house, but where she lives your husband has to also sign regardless of the fact that he has NEVER lived in the house. Well, fool decided to use that as a bargaining tool and unless my sister dropped the child support case, he was not going to sign the papers. So what happened, she lost the refinancing and the money she paid to have the house appraised. And she still doesn't have any child support money. Damn.
4. BD2 is calling me with all kinds of attitude because the income withholding order did not specify "how" the money should be deducted from his check. So now he wants me to call over the world to find out how it will be done. I just don't understand why it is men look to us to carry the load all of the damn time. This is a pattern with him that is really annoying particularly because he's someone who is always trying to tell everybody else how to handle their business.
Men are such interesting creatures. They present one way and then flip it on you later. They want to pound their chest and show off their "manhood", but then they are looking to the woman to handle everything. They plant their seed and have children that they like to parade around in front of their families as if to say "look what I did", but then behind closed doors they don't really want to take care of them. I just don't understand it!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
A Moment to Vent
I've heard sometime in my past that the people you date are a reflection of the different you's and the things in them that piss you off are the things that you need to work on in your own life.
My friends often tell me that sometimes my sarcasm and my shortness over the phone is a bit irritating. A couple of them even complain that I can be really mean, something I don't deny, but that's a risk you take when you call me (especially if you call on Saturday before 12p). You never know what kind of mood I may be in that day at that moment. SO perhaps BD2 is reflecting that back to me.
I know he's been angry since our court date turned so wonderfully in our daughter's favor (mine by extension). Needless to say our conversations don't happen as regularly, but when they do they very rarely end on a good note. I've been trying to keep a flat affect when I speak to him because I'm quite sure he's trying to get a reaction out of me, but the past couple of weeks have truly been a test on my ability to remain calm. I don't know if it's the age difference, the lack of sex, the mounting stress from the bills or what but I swear if he continues to talk to me like I am his child, there will be an unleashing he has yet to see. How you gonna raise your voice at me because your phone is messing up and I have to ask you the same question three times to hear your reply. Then you have the nerve to blow up my phones the next day because I'm refusing to answer your calls. And now you want to lecture me on calling you as opposed to texting you when it comes to matters that involve our daughter particularly since you have such a crap phone. It has never occurred to him that perhaps I'm avoiding having a direct conversation with him because he's an ass?
I have to admit I am very proud of the self control I have been demonstrating. He's called to make other arrangements almost every night that he's suppose to have our daughter the last couple of weeks and I have willingly obliged. He can't pick her up from school, fine, I will get her and let him pick her up from my house, whatever it takes for them to have time together (and me to have some breathing room). I ask for the same and I get the run around. Thank goodness I have good people in my life who love my kids and love me and want to see me have a life too.
Men wonder why baby mommas show out on them... Of course, I can't speak for all, but when you are everything to everybody AND you go out of your way to make things easier for him, it's real easy to snap when you don't receive the same consideration in return. In a lot of instances, it takes us snapping before you act like you have an ounce of humanity in you.
I guess the best I can do is to overlook his attitude and next time he wants to change visitation plans, I will let him work that out without my help the same way I have to do any time I have a show to do or I have to go out of town for business, etc. Maybe once we start letting baby daddies walk a mile in our shoes and deal with the frustration of finding a sitter or canceling plans or risk getting fired then they will be a little bit more understanding of our situations, and perhaps the conversations will get a little easier and generousity will be extended from all sides.
My friends often tell me that sometimes my sarcasm and my shortness over the phone is a bit irritating. A couple of them even complain that I can be really mean, something I don't deny, but that's a risk you take when you call me (especially if you call on Saturday before 12p). You never know what kind of mood I may be in that day at that moment. SO perhaps BD2 is reflecting that back to me.
I know he's been angry since our court date turned so wonderfully in our daughter's favor (mine by extension). Needless to say our conversations don't happen as regularly, but when they do they very rarely end on a good note. I've been trying to keep a flat affect when I speak to him because I'm quite sure he's trying to get a reaction out of me, but the past couple of weeks have truly been a test on my ability to remain calm. I don't know if it's the age difference, the lack of sex, the mounting stress from the bills or what but I swear if he continues to talk to me like I am his child, there will be an unleashing he has yet to see. How you gonna raise your voice at me because your phone is messing up and I have to ask you the same question three times to hear your reply. Then you have the nerve to blow up my phones the next day because I'm refusing to answer your calls. And now you want to lecture me on calling you as opposed to texting you when it comes to matters that involve our daughter particularly since you have such a crap phone. It has never occurred to him that perhaps I'm avoiding having a direct conversation with him because he's an ass?
I have to admit I am very proud of the self control I have been demonstrating. He's called to make other arrangements almost every night that he's suppose to have our daughter the last couple of weeks and I have willingly obliged. He can't pick her up from school, fine, I will get her and let him pick her up from my house, whatever it takes for them to have time together (and me to have some breathing room). I ask for the same and I get the run around. Thank goodness I have good people in my life who love my kids and love me and want to see me have a life too.
Men wonder why baby mommas show out on them... Of course, I can't speak for all, but when you are everything to everybody AND you go out of your way to make things easier for him, it's real easy to snap when you don't receive the same consideration in return. In a lot of instances, it takes us snapping before you act like you have an ounce of humanity in you.
I guess the best I can do is to overlook his attitude and next time he wants to change visitation plans, I will let him work that out without my help the same way I have to do any time I have a show to do or I have to go out of town for business, etc. Maybe once we start letting baby daddies walk a mile in our shoes and deal with the frustration of finding a sitter or canceling plans or risk getting fired then they will be a little bit more understanding of our situations, and perhaps the conversations will get a little easier and generousity will be extended from all sides.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Woman's Intuition
So, it's been 9 months since I've been involved with anyone. My friends, ok me too, were getting excited because I finally met someone that I was somewhat interested in and he seemed to be understanding of my time constraints being that he too was a single parent.
We talk for hours over the phone. Great, we can communicate. (Almost feels like I'm back in college.)
We meet for lunch. Not so great, the voice and the face don't match up, but I pull it off and laugh at his jokes and we have a pretty good lunch date. One friend says I'm being shallow, but that's like the pot calling the kettle black coming from him.
Ok, maybe I am being a little bit shallow...So we set a second date just to be sure.
Everything is going well. He's excited. I'm excited. I call him an hour before the date to get directions. He's still straightening up. Good, I hate going to a man's home and feeling like I don't want to sit down anywhere let alone use the bathroom.
Ten minutes before I am about to walk out of the door, he calls me to say he has been called in to work. WTF!!! You aren't a doctor. Ok, calm down. I know in the computer world things happen, plans get changed. That's cool. Call me when you're done and maybe we can still salvage the date. In the meantime, I will not be sitting at home wasting a free night of babysitting. Call up the girls, I'm in for the night's events.
I don't hear from What's his name until 6:55am and it's a text message. Apparently, he's just getting in from work. 12 hours. That's impressive. He's going to get some rest and we will talk later. Well, he must still be resting because outside of a quick email, I haven't heard a damn thing. Everything inside me is screaming "HE'S MARRIED! And he got caught trying to play single or came real close to being caught."
Whether he is or not is really of no consequence at this point. The issue I have is the same as always, the inconsideration and disrespect for another person. Is it so hard to pick up a phone, send some flowers, drop a text message and offer up an apology or an explanation? I could easily shake this off as just him, but I keep hearing time and time again from girlfriends that they face the same crap just in a different form. What is up with men? Were we, females, the only ones taught how to act right as children and so now as adults can act right?? I will surely not raise my son to become another one of the pack. He will stand out because he will show respect to women and he will be considerate of other's time, and most of all, he will know that not calling is not the answer. That only infuriates a woman.
We talk for hours over the phone. Great, we can communicate. (Almost feels like I'm back in college.)
We meet for lunch. Not so great, the voice and the face don't match up, but I pull it off and laugh at his jokes and we have a pretty good lunch date. One friend says I'm being shallow, but that's like the pot calling the kettle black coming from him.
Ok, maybe I am being a little bit shallow...So we set a second date just to be sure.
Everything is going well. He's excited. I'm excited. I call him an hour before the date to get directions. He's still straightening up. Good, I hate going to a man's home and feeling like I don't want to sit down anywhere let alone use the bathroom.
Ten minutes before I am about to walk out of the door, he calls me to say he has been called in to work. WTF!!! You aren't a doctor. Ok, calm down. I know in the computer world things happen, plans get changed. That's cool. Call me when you're done and maybe we can still salvage the date. In the meantime, I will not be sitting at home wasting a free night of babysitting. Call up the girls, I'm in for the night's events.
I don't hear from What's his name until 6:55am and it's a text message. Apparently, he's just getting in from work. 12 hours. That's impressive. He's going to get some rest and we will talk later. Well, he must still be resting because outside of a quick email, I haven't heard a damn thing. Everything inside me is screaming "HE'S MARRIED! And he got caught trying to play single or came real close to being caught."
Whether he is or not is really of no consequence at this point. The issue I have is the same as always, the inconsideration and disrespect for another person. Is it so hard to pick up a phone, send some flowers, drop a text message and offer up an apology or an explanation? I could easily shake this off as just him, but I keep hearing time and time again from girlfriends that they face the same crap just in a different form. What is up with men? Were we, females, the only ones taught how to act right as children and so now as adults can act right?? I will surely not raise my son to become another one of the pack. He will stand out because he will show respect to women and he will be considerate of other's time, and most of all, he will know that not calling is not the answer. That only infuriates a woman.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Questions
I'm really not in the frame of mind to write. I just felt like I should being that I made the big "announcement" that I was back and haven't written anything since.
First, I have to pat myself on the back. I set a goal for myself with my Pure Romance business and I met it. I won the Gift Basket contest at our bi-monthly training and now have the opportunity to win $250 in free product!!! (That's like winning a beginning "kit" or store.) I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Now, what questions do I have? Plenty and of course they are male-centered. These are not listed in any kind of predetermined order, just whatever rolls off of my mind.
Why would any man think it's ok to ask his child's mother to let him use her car so he can go visit some other woman??? Add to that the fact that he is still married and claims to want his wife back. Why would you even put yourself in that kind of situation? You don't have enough going on with you?
Why do some men feel it's ok to bring all kinds of women around their children and can't see how disrespectful that is to them and the children? Does society support this kind of behavior with men, but then condemn women for "hoing" in front of their children? Why is it more important for the woman to appear chase, but it's ok for the man to model being a ho?
If I'm paying for the meal, why do you feel the need to ask me since when did I start balling? Can't you just be grateful for a free meal?
What does it really mean when someone tells you that you are an “intense” person? Are they calling you crazy is a nice way?
Have the gods gone crazy or am I just working in a nut house? (and not the kind of nuts I like!)
Why do men disappear for periods (short or long) at a time? If you don’t want to talk, say that instead of ignoring the phone calls or what have you. Don’t they know that just pisses us off? We grown, say what's on your mind for real and cut out all the BS.
Why is it we as people still don't understand how much our actions or inactions affect other people?
What would drive someone to actually go through with taking his own life? I know what drives you to the thoughts, I've been there before and it's a very dark, lonely place, but thankfully I was pulled out of that darkness. But what actually pushes you to go through with it? YOU, a leader in the community, a friend and helper to everyone; was there no one there who could help you? Did you even know what an empty space, a dark space your abscence would leave? I bet you don't even know the magnitude of this loss or the numbers of people you have touched with your life. Some of us are mad, sad, stunned, in disbelief, denial and confused over the news of your passing. Who will be there to carry the torch now that your light no longer shines?
First, I have to pat myself on the back. I set a goal for myself with my Pure Romance business and I met it. I won the Gift Basket contest at our bi-monthly training and now have the opportunity to win $250 in free product!!! (That's like winning a beginning "kit" or store.) I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Now, what questions do I have? Plenty and of course they are male-centered. These are not listed in any kind of predetermined order, just whatever rolls off of my mind.
Why would any man think it's ok to ask his child's mother to let him use her car so he can go visit some other woman??? Add to that the fact that he is still married and claims to want his wife back. Why would you even put yourself in that kind of situation? You don't have enough going on with you?
Why do some men feel it's ok to bring all kinds of women around their children and can't see how disrespectful that is to them and the children? Does society support this kind of behavior with men, but then condemn women for "hoing" in front of their children? Why is it more important for the woman to appear chase, but it's ok for the man to model being a ho?
If I'm paying for the meal, why do you feel the need to ask me since when did I start balling? Can't you just be grateful for a free meal?
What does it really mean when someone tells you that you are an “intense” person? Are they calling you crazy is a nice way?
Have the gods gone crazy or am I just working in a nut house? (and not the kind of nuts I like!)
Why do men disappear for periods (short or long) at a time? If you don’t want to talk, say that instead of ignoring the phone calls or what have you. Don’t they know that just pisses us off? We grown, say what's on your mind for real and cut out all the BS.
Why is it we as people still don't understand how much our actions or inactions affect other people?
What would drive someone to actually go through with taking his own life? I know what drives you to the thoughts, I've been there before and it's a very dark, lonely place, but thankfully I was pulled out of that darkness. But what actually pushes you to go through with it? YOU, a leader in the community, a friend and helper to everyone; was there no one there who could help you? Did you even know what an empty space, a dark space your abscence would leave? I bet you don't even know the magnitude of this loss or the numbers of people you have touched with your life. Some of us are mad, sad, stunned, in disbelief, denial and confused over the news of your passing. Who will be there to carry the torch now that your light no longer shines?
Friday, October 14, 2005
Eva's Back
I'm back, don't know for how long, I suppose until I get too busy to blog again. I have definitely missed doing this and the pressure was building. I wasn't even writing in my journal. I wasn't getting any sex, massages and I don't exercise. I started snapping on the kids, hating my job, baby daddies and anyone getting some. My sessions weren't doing the trick any more to the point where I didn't even try for an orgasm a day. My back was aching from the stress and lack of the laying on of hands. And then I started feeling like my head was swelling up and about to explode! Is this what a crack addict feels like when going through withdrawal?? I thought I was losing it for real. But then I spoke to someone else and she said she had some of the same symptoms when she stopped having sex. So that's it, I needed to have sex or at least a massage, damn! It was medically necessary, but there were no real prospects. Finally, I was able to get my massage therapy session about a week or so ago. I swear you would have thought I was sedated. Once he moved from my back to my legs, I was out. I didn't feel a thing other than feeling like I was floating on a cloud. I was awakened when he was ready to stretch me out and then things went in a direction I was totally not prepared for or capable of resisting...
My head no longer feels like it's going to explode. I'm not snapping on the kids any more than usual. I'm back to being able to let work issues roll off of my shoulders and I'm more focused on my business. All in all, I'm happy again!
If you live in the Atlanta area and need a referral, I'm more than happy to pass the information on to the next person.
My head no longer feels like it's going to explode. I'm not snapping on the kids any more than usual. I'm back to being able to let work issues roll off of my shoulders and I'm more focused on my business. All in all, I'm happy again!
If you live in the Atlanta area and need a referral, I'm more than happy to pass the information on to the next person.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Scariest Moments
Yesterday, while driving home on 285 from what I hope to be the final trip to any store to locate school supplies, some fool ran into my lane without looking first. In an effort to keep him from hitting me and the side of the car with my son and youngest, I swerved, hit the horn and my breaks all at the same time. At that moment I lost control of my car. We started spinning and all I could see is wall so I turned the wheel and we kept spinning, almost hit the guard rail on the right side of the highway, kept spinning and then stopped in the far right lane facing oncoming traffic. Now, I am really not sure that I even had anything to do with us not hitting either guardrail on the sides of the highway or the cars that just kept on coming. All I remember is hearing my children screaming and telling that it was going to be alright and we were going to be ok. And I do remember reaching out for my son who was sitting in the front passenger seat. It was by grace that we came out of that without being hit, hurt or injuring someone else. Can someone sing, “Angels watching over me…”? In the meantime, the fool that started the chain of events just kept driving. We made it over to the emergency lane and just sat there for a moment while I made sure everyone was ok, calmed my son and my nerves. No one, not even DeKalb Police stopped to see if we were ok. Where is the love for thy neighbor??? After my hands stopped shaking, we made it home safely and life went on as usual. However, my son has now vowed to never play his PS2 racing games and none of them want to get back on the highway.
A little later last night my son asked me if that was the scariest thing to ever happen to me. Without thought I said yes, but after thinking on his question, it really wasn’t THE scariest thing to ever happen to me.
Being told my mother had passed away.
Receiving a frantic call from my mother that my baby was having a seizure, that was pretty scary.
The lead doctor of the Ob/Gyn practice I was attending at the time meet with us in his office to let us know that the baby I was carrying, the baby girl I had dreamed about, would not make it inutero another week. I had to go into the hospital immediately or else.
Hearing the fetal heartbeat of my second baby girl drop when the nurse asked me to lie on my back scared me something awful. All turned out well, but I saw on the video that she had the chord wrapped around her neck.
So no, that wasn't THE scariest, but it was definitely one of. I always thought I had angels watching over me, but now I know that my household is covered.
Be thankful for the small things and always kiss your babies!
A little later last night my son asked me if that was the scariest thing to ever happen to me. Without thought I said yes, but after thinking on his question, it really wasn’t THE scariest thing to ever happen to me.
Being told my mother had passed away.
Receiving a frantic call from my mother that my baby was having a seizure, that was pretty scary.
The lead doctor of the Ob/Gyn practice I was attending at the time meet with us in his office to let us know that the baby I was carrying, the baby girl I had dreamed about, would not make it inutero another week. I had to go into the hospital immediately or else.
Hearing the fetal heartbeat of my second baby girl drop when the nurse asked me to lie on my back scared me something awful. All turned out well, but I saw on the video that she had the chord wrapped around her neck.
So no, that wasn't THE scariest, but it was definitely one of. I always thought I had angels watching over me, but now I know that my household is covered.
Be thankful for the small things and always kiss your babies!
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Free Therapy Works
I guess I'm a believer, free therapy through this here blog, the listening ear of friends and PBS specials work. No need to go sit up and pay someone to help you talk through your situations, just blog. My boss has asked me, Miss Attitude, Miss Buck-Against-The-System, to present today at our staff meeting on a phrase I heard on a PBS special and then internalized. It would seem that she has seen a change in me, a sort of aura if you will, and now she thinks it would be good for staff morale if I shared my change of heart with them.
What was the phrase? When I changed the way I looked at things, the things I looked at changed. What was the show? It was one of those marathons to raise money, but Dr. Wayne Dyer was the featured PBS supporter. Simple phrase, but it has lots of meaning. It really did help me to see things differently here, well, that and the meeting I called with HR to discuss my situation.
What was the phrase? When I changed the way I looked at things, the things I looked at changed. What was the show? It was one of those marathons to raise money, but Dr. Wayne Dyer was the featured PBS supporter. Simple phrase, but it has lots of meaning. It really did help me to see things differently here, well, that and the meeting I called with HR to discuss my situation.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
You a Bad Mutha...Shut Yo Mouth!
Ok, I have a quickie today as I am on my way out the door. Anyway, this ish is just tickling me to no end.
Yesterday, as soon as I arrive home the celly starts ringing. It's Grandma (BD2's mom). I'm all happy to hear from her and ask if she was reading my mind because I was thinking I needed to give her a call to find out if she needed a ride from the airport when she gets in for Ayan's birthday. She tells me that she is calling to speak to "her baby" and so BD2 can talk to his daughter. WTF Why can't he just man up and call me himself? Better yet, we now live prolly 10 minutes at the most from him, why doesn't he just come see his daughter? Oh, right, he said he was done with us and I granted him that wish instead of begging him to stick around so now I'm the one keeping him from his child. I'm just living life letting you do you honey. You got my number when you are ready to be a man and a daddy instead of hiding behind your mother.
Grandma and I always have nice chats and after he exited the phone, we had another delightful chat, can't wait to see her in two weeks.
This morning I spoke to the ex and first I asked him why he didn't at least call his son to let him know he wasn't going to pick him up last week as promised. Do you know this fool said he forgot. How do you "forget" your child??? That part wasn't funny, just sad. This is the funny part, after chewing him out for that stupid ish, I asked him why his live-in baby momma always runs to the back when I come over. I've been to their place twice but each time she hides out in the back room when I'm there. He said he told her to do that and not to say anything to me that might set me off. LOL I couldn't believe that ish. Ain't no way in hell I would be banished to the bedroom in my own house (unless I was portraying the role of love-slave, but that's another subject). And besides that, I don't have anything against her. The time my kids were with her, she was good to them so there is no beef between us. I know in the past I have been known to terrorize women in his life, but 1) I was usually provoked and 2) I still had feelings for him then. None of those things are true in this case, so really, she has no reason to hide out.
I just can't get over the nonesense...too funny.
Yesterday, as soon as I arrive home the celly starts ringing. It's Grandma (BD2's mom). I'm all happy to hear from her and ask if she was reading my mind because I was thinking I needed to give her a call to find out if she needed a ride from the airport when she gets in for Ayan's birthday. She tells me that she is calling to speak to "her baby" and so BD2 can talk to his daughter. WTF Why can't he just man up and call me himself? Better yet, we now live prolly 10 minutes at the most from him, why doesn't he just come see his daughter? Oh, right, he said he was done with us and I granted him that wish instead of begging him to stick around so now I'm the one keeping him from his child. I'm just living life letting you do you honey. You got my number when you are ready to be a man and a daddy instead of hiding behind your mother.
Grandma and I always have nice chats and after he exited the phone, we had another delightful chat, can't wait to see her in two weeks.
This morning I spoke to the ex and first I asked him why he didn't at least call his son to let him know he wasn't going to pick him up last week as promised. Do you know this fool said he forgot. How do you "forget" your child??? That part wasn't funny, just sad. This is the funny part, after chewing him out for that stupid ish, I asked him why his live-in baby momma always runs to the back when I come over. I've been to their place twice but each time she hides out in the back room when I'm there. He said he told her to do that and not to say anything to me that might set me off. LOL I couldn't believe that ish. Ain't no way in hell I would be banished to the bedroom in my own house (unless I was portraying the role of love-slave, but that's another subject). And besides that, I don't have anything against her. The time my kids were with her, she was good to them so there is no beef between us. I know in the past I have been known to terrorize women in his life, but 1) I was usually provoked and 2) I still had feelings for him then. None of those things are true in this case, so really, she has no reason to hide out.
I just can't get over the nonesense...too funny.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
How do you define "Family"
This morning on a local radio station here in Atlanta the ignorant DJ who shall remain nameless (no free press on my blog) asked the people poll for the day. Apparently, there was a daddy, baby and girlfriend that wanted to take a vacation together and baby momma wanted to come along to look out for her baby. How you feel on that is a whole ‘nother topic. If I were uncomfortable with my baby going out of town in a situation like that, she just wouldn’t go. Anywho, others called in with their opinion and one woman stated that she, baby and baby daddy were going on a “family vacation” together and she didn’t want the girlfriend to come along.
Well, this set the I-DJ off on a tangent. I suppose he was having flashbacks about his dysfunctional relationship with his baby momma. He jumped all over her phrasing of “family vacation” because in his OPINION they were not a family. In his view, the only real families exist between people who have been married and lived together and have had children. His intern or whoever the hell she was did her best to persuade him otherwise as she apparently still considers her ex’s family to be her family, but to no avail.
Is family not something that individuals can define for themselves and therefore can consist of not only biological ties, but whatever other commonalities people choose to identify as the ties that bind us? I mean, by his definition how do we then classify married couples without children? Or couples with children who are not married, but live together? He made it clear that he didn’t think parents who were never married and who don’t live together were not a “family”. (His arrogance is astounding.) I say differently. They may not be a “family unit” pre se, but they can definitely define themselves as family if they so chose.
I have biological family members, who if I could mark them out of the picture today I would, and then I have friends that I most definitely consider family because of all we have been through. My Girl for instance, she IS my sister. As I have said before, she has seen me through some dark years and she probably doesn’t even know all that she has done for me. She invites me and my children to pretty much every get together she has with her family and we feel like we are just as much apart, but that’s how she and her husband are with their friends. We don’t even have to ask permission to walk through the house. Some people just don’t understand that kind of openness though.
But back to the situation at hand, I have two baby daddies, for lack of a better word. One is more of a Spermanator (I would like to take this moment to shout out Neme) and the other was a bit more involved, but even his parenting could have used some improvements. All of that aside, I still consider them family because we have children together, but even before that we had a friendship and a relationship. My family (on my dad’s side anyway) considers them family on GP alone. I also have relationships with their family members. Am I now suppose to disown that just because we are not a couple? I don’t think so.
Even with that said, trust that we won’t be going on any vacations with me, him, baby and girlfriend/wife.
On a completely different subject, I haven’t done this in a while and this one is waaayyyyy overdue. If you only call up your girl, or your boy when shit ain’t going right in your relationship and you need someone to listen to you bitch, then I have to question your commitment to your friendship and you too get an Ooh Darryl.
Well, this set the I-DJ off on a tangent. I suppose he was having flashbacks about his dysfunctional relationship with his baby momma. He jumped all over her phrasing of “family vacation” because in his OPINION they were not a family. In his view, the only real families exist between people who have been married and lived together and have had children. His intern or whoever the hell she was did her best to persuade him otherwise as she apparently still considers her ex’s family to be her family, but to no avail.
Is family not something that individuals can define for themselves and therefore can consist of not only biological ties, but whatever other commonalities people choose to identify as the ties that bind us? I mean, by his definition how do we then classify married couples without children? Or couples with children who are not married, but live together? He made it clear that he didn’t think parents who were never married and who don’t live together were not a “family”. (His arrogance is astounding.) I say differently. They may not be a “family unit” pre se, but they can definitely define themselves as family if they so chose.
I have biological family members, who if I could mark them out of the picture today I would, and then I have friends that I most definitely consider family because of all we have been through. My Girl for instance, she IS my sister. As I have said before, she has seen me through some dark years and she probably doesn’t even know all that she has done for me. She invites me and my children to pretty much every get together she has with her family and we feel like we are just as much apart, but that’s how she and her husband are with their friends. We don’t even have to ask permission to walk through the house. Some people just don’t understand that kind of openness though.
But back to the situation at hand, I have two baby daddies, for lack of a better word. One is more of a Spermanator (I would like to take this moment to shout out Neme) and the other was a bit more involved, but even his parenting could have used some improvements. All of that aside, I still consider them family because we have children together, but even before that we had a friendship and a relationship. My family (on my dad’s side anyway) considers them family on GP alone. I also have relationships with their family members. Am I now suppose to disown that just because we are not a couple? I don’t think so.
Even with that said, trust that we won’t be going on any vacations with me, him, baby and girlfriend/wife.
On a completely different subject, I haven’t done this in a while and this one is waaayyyyy overdue. If you only call up your girl, or your boy when shit ain’t going right in your relationship and you need someone to listen to you bitch, then I have to question your commitment to your friendship and you too get an Ooh Darryl.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Language Arts
Copied this from an email so I cannot take the credit...
The Foreign Language of Choice
By George Lakoff, AlterNet
Posted on June 2, 2005
http://www.alternet.org/story/22135/
The emphasis on framing and language is not a covert attempt to push women's issues that are controversial -- be it abortion or contraception -- off the progressive agenda. Quite to the contrary, it is a refusal to accept the conservative definition of the issues involved, and put forward a positive vision, based on deeply progressive values and moral perspective.
Many of the feminist organizations have come to the conclusion that the word "choice," and the concept of choice, is a bad idea. Deborah Tannen, who is one of the best-known linguists in the country, observed over a decade ago that the word "choice" is taken from a consumer vocabulary -- as compared to the word "life," which is taken from a moral vocabulary.
Morality beats consumerism every time.
Moreover, the word "choice" versus "decision" is a bad idea because "choice" is less serious a word than "decision." From a linguistic perspective, "choice" was in itself a bad choice.
The word "abortion" is also negative -- the word "abort" as in "abort the mission," as if something has gone terribly wrong. Now you can't just immediately change a word like that to something that's more positive, and in fact, abortions are not situations where things have gone right. But if you use the word "abortion" at all these days, what you're doing is playing on the right's turf, where they have defined the issues to suit their interests, using their words.
What is necessary is a redefinition -- what I will call a "reparsing" -- of the issue. There are four different types of reparsing that are required, and each expresses a powerfully moral idea grounded in a progressive moral perspective.
Let's begin with the two ideas that Howard Dean talked about in his interview with Tim Russert. First, Dean reparsed the issue in terms of personal freedom. He brought up the case of Terry Schiavo, where many Americans felt that this right-wing administration was interfering in the personal freedom of the families involved. They did not want government interference in this most important decision in people's lives. This idea is crucial to American democracy and it was at stake in the Schiavo case -- and most people recognized it as such. Dean was saying, and rightly so, that this is one of the ways we should talk about cases of unwanted pregnancies. These are medical decisions where the government should not be making decisions for any individual or family.
The second reparsing that Dean did in that interview was to take up the question of unwanted pregnancies itself. No one wants unwanted pregnancies, and there's no reason why we should have them since have the means to prevent these pregnancies. A very high percentage of the unwanted pregnancies are among women and girls who have been denied sex education and contraception. And yet the right-wing has been denying sex education to students, and in many cases, even denying contraception through its abstinence-only programs. Now we also face "vigilante pharmacists" who are not just imposing their own will on these women and depriving them of their personal freedom, but also their access to much-needed contraception.
In other words, the right-wing is actually creating unwanted pregnancies.
I would take this analysis further and argue that we should not allow the right-wing to take ownership of the value of life -- that is our value. And the first place we have to start talking about the value of life is on the issue of infant mortality. The United States has the highest rate of infant mortality in the industrialized world, and there's no excuse for it. We have the medical care to prevent these deaths. The reason we continue to experience such high rates if infant mortality is that poor women are being denied prenatal and postnatal care, adequate health insurance, adequate food for their children -- and all this because of the attitude and policies of the conservatives.
Conservatives have been killing babies -- real babies have been born and who people want and love. They have been responsible for the death of children in this country at an astounding rate -- and we should discuss this situation openly.
In addition, by denying access to contraception -- by stopping the distribution of condoms, for example -- the right-wing is exposing people to AIDS, and therefore, again, supporting death. Furthermore, by refusing to implement policies that would lower the incidence of toxins in our environment, conservatives are actually threatening the health of newborn babies. There are about a hundred toxins, including mercury, in mothers' breast milk, which means that there are a hundred toxins in newborn babies -- all thanks to right-wing anti-environmental policies.
In short, the right-wing is imposing a culture of death on this country and we shouldn't stand for it. Progressive values and politics are committed to preserving and nurturing life.
Finally, I'm not sure of the exact numbers, but approximately 28,000 women in this country each year become pregnant as the result of a rape. That's a huge number and it occurs all over America. Here is the question that we must raise: should the federal government force a woman to bear the child of her rapist?
By denying a rape victim access to family planning, to contraception, and to medical operations to end a pregnancy, the conservatives are, in effect, in favor of forcing rape victims to bear the children of their rapist. In Colorado, for example, the governor recently vetoed a bill that would have permitted rape crisis centers to inform rape victims of the effectiveness of the morning-after pill. Now this kind of counseling is the very minimum that a rape crisis center ought to be doing for rape victims. This is an outrage. This is an outrage against victims of rape who ought to be protected, not further exploited.
So rather than trying to respond to some discussion about "abortion," we should actively, positively, put forward these four ideas -- personal freedom, zero tolerance for unwanted pregnancies, taking back life as a value, and protecting rape victims in this country from being forced to bear the children of their rapists.
Martha Burk is right in saying that the Democrats have been too afraid to address women's issues directly. But the failure is deeper and more extensive. Democrats have been slavishly adhering to polls that have been shaped by Republican framing, Republican language. As a result, they have not been raising the most important issues in our society, be it with regard to women, the environment, or peace.
George Lakoff is the author of Don't Think of an Elephant: Know Your Values and Frame the Debate' (Chelsea Green). He is professor of linguistics at the University of California at Berkeley and a Senior Fellow of the Rockridge Institute.
© 2005 Independent Media Institute. All rights reserved.
The Foreign Language of Choice
By George Lakoff, AlterNet
Posted on June 2, 2005
http://www.alternet.org/story/22135/
The emphasis on framing and language is not a covert attempt to push women's issues that are controversial -- be it abortion or contraception -- off the progressive agenda. Quite to the contrary, it is a refusal to accept the conservative definition of the issues involved, and put forward a positive vision, based on deeply progressive values and moral perspective.
Many of the feminist organizations have come to the conclusion that the word "choice," and the concept of choice, is a bad idea. Deborah Tannen, who is one of the best-known linguists in the country, observed over a decade ago that the word "choice" is taken from a consumer vocabulary -- as compared to the word "life," which is taken from a moral vocabulary.
Morality beats consumerism every time.
Moreover, the word "choice" versus "decision" is a bad idea because "choice" is less serious a word than "decision." From a linguistic perspective, "choice" was in itself a bad choice.
The word "abortion" is also negative -- the word "abort" as in "abort the mission," as if something has gone terribly wrong. Now you can't just immediately change a word like that to something that's more positive, and in fact, abortions are not situations where things have gone right. But if you use the word "abortion" at all these days, what you're doing is playing on the right's turf, where they have defined the issues to suit their interests, using their words.
What is necessary is a redefinition -- what I will call a "reparsing" -- of the issue. There are four different types of reparsing that are required, and each expresses a powerfully moral idea grounded in a progressive moral perspective.
Let's begin with the two ideas that Howard Dean talked about in his interview with Tim Russert. First, Dean reparsed the issue in terms of personal freedom. He brought up the case of Terry Schiavo, where many Americans felt that this right-wing administration was interfering in the personal freedom of the families involved. They did not want government interference in this most important decision in people's lives. This idea is crucial to American democracy and it was at stake in the Schiavo case -- and most people recognized it as such. Dean was saying, and rightly so, that this is one of the ways we should talk about cases of unwanted pregnancies. These are medical decisions where the government should not be making decisions for any individual or family.
The second reparsing that Dean did in that interview was to take up the question of unwanted pregnancies itself. No one wants unwanted pregnancies, and there's no reason why we should have them since have the means to prevent these pregnancies. A very high percentage of the unwanted pregnancies are among women and girls who have been denied sex education and contraception. And yet the right-wing has been denying sex education to students, and in many cases, even denying contraception through its abstinence-only programs. Now we also face "vigilante pharmacists" who are not just imposing their own will on these women and depriving them of their personal freedom, but also their access to much-needed contraception.
In other words, the right-wing is actually creating unwanted pregnancies.
I would take this analysis further and argue that we should not allow the right-wing to take ownership of the value of life -- that is our value. And the first place we have to start talking about the value of life is on the issue of infant mortality. The United States has the highest rate of infant mortality in the industrialized world, and there's no excuse for it. We have the medical care to prevent these deaths. The reason we continue to experience such high rates if infant mortality is that poor women are being denied prenatal and postnatal care, adequate health insurance, adequate food for their children -- and all this because of the attitude and policies of the conservatives.
Conservatives have been killing babies -- real babies have been born and who people want and love. They have been responsible for the death of children in this country at an astounding rate -- and we should discuss this situation openly.
In addition, by denying access to contraception -- by stopping the distribution of condoms, for example -- the right-wing is exposing people to AIDS, and therefore, again, supporting death. Furthermore, by refusing to implement policies that would lower the incidence of toxins in our environment, conservatives are actually threatening the health of newborn babies. There are about a hundred toxins, including mercury, in mothers' breast milk, which means that there are a hundred toxins in newborn babies -- all thanks to right-wing anti-environmental policies.
In short, the right-wing is imposing a culture of death on this country and we shouldn't stand for it. Progressive values and politics are committed to preserving and nurturing life.
Finally, I'm not sure of the exact numbers, but approximately 28,000 women in this country each year become pregnant as the result of a rape. That's a huge number and it occurs all over America. Here is the question that we must raise: should the federal government force a woman to bear the child of her rapist?
By denying a rape victim access to family planning, to contraception, and to medical operations to end a pregnancy, the conservatives are, in effect, in favor of forcing rape victims to bear the children of their rapist. In Colorado, for example, the governor recently vetoed a bill that would have permitted rape crisis centers to inform rape victims of the effectiveness of the morning-after pill. Now this kind of counseling is the very minimum that a rape crisis center ought to be doing for rape victims. This is an outrage. This is an outrage against victims of rape who ought to be protected, not further exploited.
So rather than trying to respond to some discussion about "abortion," we should actively, positively, put forward these four ideas -- personal freedom, zero tolerance for unwanted pregnancies, taking back life as a value, and protecting rape victims in this country from being forced to bear the children of their rapists.
Martha Burk is right in saying that the Democrats have been too afraid to address women's issues directly. But the failure is deeper and more extensive. Democrats have been slavishly adhering to polls that have been shaped by Republican framing, Republican language. As a result, they have not been raising the most important issues in our society, be it with regard to women, the environment, or peace.
George Lakoff is the author of Don't Think of an Elephant: Know Your Values and Frame the Debate' (Chelsea Green). He is professor of linguistics at the University of California at Berkeley and a Senior Fellow of the Rockridge Institute.
© 2005 Independent Media Institute. All rights reserved.
Monday, July 25, 2005
She Hate Me - Live
She Hate Me
This weekend was quite eventful. Friday, I went to the Sweetwater concert and danced myself silly. I recommend it to everyone within the sound of my voice or viewing this page. My only complaint, I would have loved for Jill Scott and Erika Badu to perform a little longer. All of the ladies did a wonderful job and the crew was good at moving the show along.
Saturday, we moved. I swear, at the risk of sounding racist, prejudice, self-hating or otherwise, next time I hire a moving company I’m requesting Mexican workers. Brothas want to holla and be up in your business one minute and then complain about the flights of stairs the next, instead of just doing their jobs. One of the guys was clearly overweight and trust to want to be smoking cigarettes, all the while telling me I need to stay off of the third floor. Naw, bruh you need to lay off those damn cancer sticks and the KFC and maybe you could carry the furniture and the boxes without feeling like you are going to pass out.
Sunday, I went to pick up my older children in Alabama. They were with their father (Ex-fiance not to be confused with BD) after the woman who had them called me telling me she wanted to go out Saturday and “we” needed to come up with something. I called their dad and told him to go get them. He was happy to have them and they were happy to be there. When I got there I made sure to watch myself while I was there. I asked to go to the bathroom. I asked to go into the kitchen, etc. Of course he looked at me like I was crazy because he isn’t use to me behaving like that, but I’m trying to implement the suggestions I have been given.
I met his girlfriend/babysitter and new baby momma (#4). (The other summer when the kids were there he swore she was just the babysitter.) Their baby is 5 months old and very cute and chunky. About 30 minutes later, baby momma number 3 showed up with her children. I was surprised to see her, but I got up and gave her a hug and we greeted each other like old friends; me and her got history. It was like a scene out of a movie. Baby momma numbers 1, 3 and 4 and all of our children there, at his place, with all of our children running around and playing together. Just so the readers can picture this:
I (Number 1 aka Dr. Evil per number 3) have 3 children, 2 of which are his. I have his oldest child and until recently I had his youngest child.
Number 3 also has three children, only one of which is his. She has his other son.
Number 4, who lives with him, has his baby girl.
There we are, sitting in the living room laughing at the situation. I know I was tickled to death at how it all fell out like that. He was nervous as hell and had the nerve to tell me to behave myself, like as if I was going to do anything. I have long since been over him. He is #4’s problem not mine, and I think me and #3 realized after the fact that the situation may not have been as funny to her as it was to us.
Number 3 filled Number 4 in on a little bit of our past history. We traded stories about our interactions with Nana Pat. Unfortunately, none of us has had a good relationship with our children’s grandmother, #3 hasn’t even met her. I commented on how the day would have been complete if #2 and her kid showed up, but other than that I kept the comments to a minimum and let #3 have at it. At one point he did come in and point to a poster on the wall. Apparently, it’s the cover for his yet to be completed spoken word album. Isn’t that wonderful. I told him to go ahead and let the producers or whomever know that they can make the check out to me to cover his back child support owed. Number 3 chimed in that it would have to be split across families; yeah ok, but you might want to go get your court order first.
So after about an hour of watching him squirm and walk in and out of his own home to avoid some fall out he had pictured in his head, I was able to tear my kids away from playing and be on our way home. He walked the kids down to the car and tried to sneak a peak before I pulled off. I let him know he had two waiting on him upstairs that he could be on, but this shop was closed to his advances. That’s when he starts singing, “but I only have eyes for you”. He is a straight mess and always will be.
One of my girlfriend’s commented on how I always end up in “situations”. That one was definitely not one I would have ever planned out ahead of time.
This weekend was quite eventful. Friday, I went to the Sweetwater concert and danced myself silly. I recommend it to everyone within the sound of my voice or viewing this page. My only complaint, I would have loved for Jill Scott and Erika Badu to perform a little longer. All of the ladies did a wonderful job and the crew was good at moving the show along.
Saturday, we moved. I swear, at the risk of sounding racist, prejudice, self-hating or otherwise, next time I hire a moving company I’m requesting Mexican workers. Brothas want to holla and be up in your business one minute and then complain about the flights of stairs the next, instead of just doing their jobs. One of the guys was clearly overweight and trust to want to be smoking cigarettes, all the while telling me I need to stay off of the third floor. Naw, bruh you need to lay off those damn cancer sticks and the KFC and maybe you could carry the furniture and the boxes without feeling like you are going to pass out.
Sunday, I went to pick up my older children in Alabama. They were with their father (Ex-fiance not to be confused with BD) after the woman who had them called me telling me she wanted to go out Saturday and “we” needed to come up with something. I called their dad and told him to go get them. He was happy to have them and they were happy to be there. When I got there I made sure to watch myself while I was there. I asked to go to the bathroom. I asked to go into the kitchen, etc. Of course he looked at me like I was crazy because he isn’t use to me behaving like that, but I’m trying to implement the suggestions I have been given.
I met his girlfriend/babysitter and new baby momma (#4). (The other summer when the kids were there he swore she was just the babysitter.) Their baby is 5 months old and very cute and chunky. About 30 minutes later, baby momma number 3 showed up with her children. I was surprised to see her, but I got up and gave her a hug and we greeted each other like old friends; me and her got history. It was like a scene out of a movie. Baby momma numbers 1, 3 and 4 and all of our children there, at his place, with all of our children running around and playing together. Just so the readers can picture this:
I (Number 1 aka Dr. Evil per number 3) have 3 children, 2 of which are his. I have his oldest child and until recently I had his youngest child.
Number 3 also has three children, only one of which is his. She has his other son.
Number 4, who lives with him, has his baby girl.
There we are, sitting in the living room laughing at the situation. I know I was tickled to death at how it all fell out like that. He was nervous as hell and had the nerve to tell me to behave myself, like as if I was going to do anything. I have long since been over him. He is #4’s problem not mine, and I think me and #3 realized after the fact that the situation may not have been as funny to her as it was to us.
Number 3 filled Number 4 in on a little bit of our past history. We traded stories about our interactions with Nana Pat. Unfortunately, none of us has had a good relationship with our children’s grandmother, #3 hasn’t even met her. I commented on how the day would have been complete if #2 and her kid showed up, but other than that I kept the comments to a minimum and let #3 have at it. At one point he did come in and point to a poster on the wall. Apparently, it’s the cover for his yet to be completed spoken word album. Isn’t that wonderful. I told him to go ahead and let the producers or whomever know that they can make the check out to me to cover his back child support owed. Number 3 chimed in that it would have to be split across families; yeah ok, but you might want to go get your court order first.
So after about an hour of watching him squirm and walk in and out of his own home to avoid some fall out he had pictured in his head, I was able to tear my kids away from playing and be on our way home. He walked the kids down to the car and tried to sneak a peak before I pulled off. I let him know he had two waiting on him upstairs that he could be on, but this shop was closed to his advances. That’s when he starts singing, “but I only have eyes for you”. He is a straight mess and always will be.
One of my girlfriend’s commented on how I always end up in “situations”. That one was definitely not one I would have ever planned out ahead of time.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Is That a Compliment or What?!
I just received a reply email (she will probably kill me, but I had to post it):
"Leave me alone -- Since Young and the Restless and Bold & the Beautiful have gone off for the day I'm busy reading Eva's revenge. :-)"
Where's my Day Time Emmy nomination?
"Leave me alone -- Since Young and the Restless and Bold & the Beautiful have gone off for the day I'm busy reading Eva's revenge. :-)"
Where's my Day Time Emmy nomination?
I Have No One to Blame But Myself
About 9 years ago I attended a counseling group session for women with disabilities. I'm not disabled, but a friend I had then was and she asked me to come along with her. At the time, I had just started learning some truths about the person I was dating and I was out of work and living off of credit cards. So I figured I could go find myself some support in the process of supporting her at this group.
The first thing that struck me as I listened to each of the women's stories was how their relationships with men kept them down more so than their disabilities. It was a little unnerving for me because all of these women were at least 15 to 20 years older than me. I can remember thinking, "It doesn't get any better with age?" Eventually, all eyes were on me and the group facilitator was asking me to tell my story, which I did. And then came the profound question of the hour. Mr. Psychiatrist asked me why I (we) was so willing to give up my trust to a complete stranger rather than making him earn it. I replied with some answer about giving people the benefit of the doubt, yada, yada, yada. When he continued to press me, I really didn't have an answer and I just sat there staring at him like a deer caught in the headlights.
I hadn't even remembered that day until this weekend. I was in the shower going over in my head the argument that spanned Friday evening and part of Saturday morning with BD that ended in him telling me (us) to have a nice life because he was done. I was past done and had said anything and everything about his fake ass marriage to his part-time fatherhood, that came to me and I had been holding in over these past few years.
I have to admit, it felt good to know I still had my gift for leaving my opponent curled up in the fetal position mentally (and sometimes physically) without ever laying a hand on him/her.
It felt even better letting him know that I know his secrets, those deep seeded secrets that he even tries to hide from himself 1) he's not perfect and 2) although he knows on an intellectual level the right things to do for family, community, etc. he doesn't know it at his spiritual core hence the two faces of HE.
But I digress from my original story...
I keep an ongoing journal. I started keeping one in junior high or high school as a way of working through situations and continued doing so because, hey, someone has to write my story and it needs to be as accurate as possible. (I would like to take this time to shout out My Girl, future author of MY STORY.) Anyway, recently I went back in my journal to the beginning of my relationship with BD and began reading to try and figure out what had gone so terribly wrong, aside from the obvious, and to figure out what the take home lessons were from this experience.
I discovered that shit was shaky from the beginning. Hindsight is indeed 20/20 because when you are close to a situation you really can't see the fault lines. I gave him chance upon chance "to make things right" even when he didn't deserve it. (I believe this may have been what Da Professa was talking about in his blog about single moms, but I would like to think it was just my nature not my motherhood that lead me to such behavior.)
I was doing in this 'relationship' what I had done in my relationship with my ex-fiancé, the very thing Mr. Psychiatrist had questioned me about. BD would provide a little truth mixed in with a lot of lies and I gobbled it up like a bag of plain Ruffles Potato Chips. He didn't even have to provide an excuse a lot of times for his questionable behavior because I had already filled in the blanks for him. It was like what R Kelly sings about in WOMAN, "Ya'll love us so much 'til our lies become the truth." There it is. I hadn't taken time to learn the lessons from the previous relationship, so I was doomed to repeat them in this one.
A girlfriend advised me that I need to go out and 'find another man to get over this man'. I think not. First of all, she's the last person that I would take advice from and secondly, that's what got me into this mess in the first place. No, I think I will continue to chill and see my part in the whole thing and continue my journey and hopefully come out a better person on the other side of the valley.
The first thing that struck me as I listened to each of the women's stories was how their relationships with men kept them down more so than their disabilities. It was a little unnerving for me because all of these women were at least 15 to 20 years older than me. I can remember thinking, "It doesn't get any better with age?" Eventually, all eyes were on me and the group facilitator was asking me to tell my story, which I did. And then came the profound question of the hour. Mr. Psychiatrist asked me why I (we) was so willing to give up my trust to a complete stranger rather than making him earn it. I replied with some answer about giving people the benefit of the doubt, yada, yada, yada. When he continued to press me, I really didn't have an answer and I just sat there staring at him like a deer caught in the headlights.
I hadn't even remembered that day until this weekend. I was in the shower going over in my head the argument that spanned Friday evening and part of Saturday morning with BD that ended in him telling me (us) to have a nice life because he was done. I was past done and had said anything and everything about his fake ass marriage to his part-time fatherhood, that came to me and I had been holding in over these past few years.
I have to admit, it felt good to know I still had my gift for leaving my opponent curled up in the fetal position mentally (and sometimes physically) without ever laying a hand on him/her.
It felt even better letting him know that I know his secrets, those deep seeded secrets that he even tries to hide from himself 1) he's not perfect and 2) although he knows on an intellectual level the right things to do for family, community, etc. he doesn't know it at his spiritual core hence the two faces of HE.
But I digress from my original story...
I keep an ongoing journal. I started keeping one in junior high or high school as a way of working through situations and continued doing so because, hey, someone has to write my story and it needs to be as accurate as possible. (I would like to take this time to shout out My Girl, future author of MY STORY.) Anyway, recently I went back in my journal to the beginning of my relationship with BD and began reading to try and figure out what had gone so terribly wrong, aside from the obvious, and to figure out what the take home lessons were from this experience.
I discovered that shit was shaky from the beginning. Hindsight is indeed 20/20 because when you are close to a situation you really can't see the fault lines. I gave him chance upon chance "to make things right" even when he didn't deserve it. (I believe this may have been what Da Professa was talking about in his blog about single moms, but I would like to think it was just my nature not my motherhood that lead me to such behavior.)
I was doing in this 'relationship' what I had done in my relationship with my ex-fiancé, the very thing Mr. Psychiatrist had questioned me about. BD would provide a little truth mixed in with a lot of lies and I gobbled it up like a bag of plain Ruffles Potato Chips. He didn't even have to provide an excuse a lot of times for his questionable behavior because I had already filled in the blanks for him. It was like what R Kelly sings about in WOMAN, "Ya'll love us so much 'til our lies become the truth." There it is. I hadn't taken time to learn the lessons from the previous relationship, so I was doomed to repeat them in this one.
A girlfriend advised me that I need to go out and 'find another man to get over this man'. I think not. First of all, she's the last person that I would take advice from and secondly, that's what got me into this mess in the first place. No, I think I will continue to chill and see my part in the whole thing and continue my journey and hopefully come out a better person on the other side of the valley.
Get Your Hand Out My Pockets
Hello great people! I have been gone too long so you know I have a lot to say. Right now though I have to keep it brief since I have a meeting to get to in about 26 minutes. Big brother said I couldn't cuss my sister so I have to get my frustration out here.
This B I gets the Oscar for "Ooh Darryl". She had the nerve to call me after 10pm last night and before she could say hello, how are you doing, how are the kids, this byatch screams into the phone "Where's my money?" Your who? Your what? This missing in action byatch (truly no pun intended here...she's in the service) wants to know why I haven't cut her check after selling the house. As has become my trade mark when dealing with these so-called family members, I give her vague answers and let her know that after waiting on their asses for 8 LONG years I'm not pressed about getting information or anything else out to them. Of course, she just dismisses that and starts yelling about who she's going to call to get some answers because "I need my money". To be fair, I will give everyone what they contributed over the eight years.
Let me pull out my record book...
Sheila, Sheila, Sheila, oh ok here we are...
Sheila's contribution in man labor to the upkeep of the house? 0 hours
Sheila's contribution to the well-being of her baby sister? $0.00, 0 hours
Sheila's contribution to the mortgage? $0.00
Sheila's contribution to the bills at the house? $0.00
Sheila's contribution to the estate expenses? $0.00
Sheila's take home from the sale of the house: $0.00
I ain't MasterCard Bitch!
Don't call me with no bullshit! I know how to change my number.
This B I gets the Oscar for "Ooh Darryl". She had the nerve to call me after 10pm last night and before she could say hello, how are you doing, how are the kids, this byatch screams into the phone "Where's my money?" Your who? Your what? This missing in action byatch (truly no pun intended here...she's in the service) wants to know why I haven't cut her check after selling the house. As has become my trade mark when dealing with these so-called family members, I give her vague answers and let her know that after waiting on their asses for 8 LONG years I'm not pressed about getting information or anything else out to them. Of course, she just dismisses that and starts yelling about who she's going to call to get some answers because "I need my money". To be fair, I will give everyone what they contributed over the eight years.
Let me pull out my record book...
Sheila, Sheila, Sheila, oh ok here we are...
Sheila's contribution in man labor to the upkeep of the house? 0 hours
Sheila's contribution to the well-being of her baby sister? $0.00, 0 hours
Sheila's contribution to the mortgage? $0.00
Sheila's contribution to the bills at the house? $0.00
Sheila's contribution to the estate expenses? $0.00
Sheila's take home from the sale of the house: $0.00
I ain't MasterCard Bitch!
Don't call me with no bullshit! I know how to change my number.
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