The Epilogue: Words Hurt

Apparently, there was a lot left to be said. After a cool down period of a few weeks, where we would text here and there, we finally spoke again. He called me one night after one of his gigs. I could tell he was drinking and smoking his cigar. He usually couldn’t tell me how he really felt until after a drink or two. He was like George in that way.

After some small talk, I told him I felt the relationship had become a distraction from what I needed to be doing to move my life forward and we were just stuck in these repeating patterns. He thanked me for “shitting on him” when we last spoke because I told him he may not be undetectable this soon after starting his meds. I let him know that I was praying for him, his growth and his health. I just didn’t want him to be disappointed or discouraged if he didn’t attain an undetectable status immediately. He then went on this long rant about how he was a different kind of musician because he had also majored in marketing. OK.

He wanted me to know that he had been working on his music and felt better, but he also couldn’t have any distractions. After reading what I wanted in a man, he felt he wasn’t that and could never be that, therefore I was a distraction because, in his opinion, I was imposing something on him he couldn’t live up to and so I was taking away from his music. At this point he was so inebriated I couldn’t understand anything else he had to say, but I surely got the message.

We spoke a few days later while I was in Miami. For some reason, we always called each other when one of us was out of town. I guess old habits are hard to break. I let him know that I never would want to be a distraction to what God has planned for him. Of course, he started back tracking and saying that’s not what he meant. He only meant that he couldn’t be the man that I wanted. Fair enough.

A few weeks after that he called to let me know that he had gone to his doctor's appointment. As it turned out, he was undetectable. I congratulated him on his success. He wanted to get another HIV test since the doctor had given him that news. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why he wanted to be tested again. It wasn’t until the next day that it occurred to me that he thought being undetectable would mean his HIV test would now be negative. At the risk of “shitting on him” again, I explained what it meant to be undetectable - reduced virus in the blood – and that he would always test positive because the HIV test looks for antibodies and unless and until there is a cure, he will always have antibodies to the virus.

He took the news well and we continued talking. I even went to two of his performances. And that’s where the good feelings ended. At one of those performances I felt disrespected by an interaction between him and one of his female friends. So as we usually do, we argued. And the argument turned nasty. We rehashed old and recent grievances. He threw in my face that I had not been in a relationship in the last 6 years and I threw back that he hadn’t been able to keep a relationship in that same time period. He said it was because no one had really peaked his interest like his ex-wife, and maybe he should let her know since now they were on speaking terms after performing together. I told him to go right ahead and hung up the phone. He continued to text and call and I continued to send him to voicemail. Eventually, I answered the phone and asked him to stop calling me.

He did, but then called the next day to apologize for the way he had spoken to me. He wanted us to talk. I said I didn’t have anything left to say, but I would give him the opportunity to voice what he needed to get out. In an effort to spare my girls any more of my yelling, I agreed to meet him at his house after dinner so we could finish this.

I really could have stayed at home and not heard another word he had to say. It was just more of the same bullshit. He told me he valued me as friend and a person. I said I couldn’t tell. He kept talking and asking me questions. With a smirk on his face, he repeatedly asked me, “Well, what do you think you are to me?”

It seemed like he thought he was pulling some kind of secret out of me. It was so ridiculous. I finally said, “Your ex”.

“So when you came over in March that was to break up with me?” He asked.

“Yes. We’ve been through this.” I replied.

“But you were never my girlfriend.” He said smugly swirling his wine in a snifter glass. “I never asked you to be my girl. I merely said that I thought you were the woman I could spend the rest of my life with, but I was trying to get to know you by dating you.”

“So we’re back in high school now!? Because you didn’t ask will you go with me, or pass me a note to check yes or no, we weren’t together? You know you can say some stupid ass...” I stopped myself from going down that rabbit hole with a wave.

“None of what you just said makes sense. But I tell you what, if I was never your girl then we can just end this conversation right now. And you can take my name off your emergency contacts.”

“When I called you last week to tell you I was undetectable you didn’t even come celebrate with me. You just said congratulations. Tasarah said if you were really my girl, if you were any kind of woman, you would have just told me to put on a condom and had sex with me, even before I was undetectable.”

“Really? You want to bring that bitch up right now. For all I know, she was the one who gave you HIV. Because she couldn’t be your woman, she’s settling for the role of ‘bestie’ and in your ear every chance she gets. Tell her I will gladly give up the reins and she can take that chance since that’s what the both of you want.”

I got my things together and got up to leave. He grabbed me around my waist and kept telling me that he knew me, and I would be back just like before. Clearly he didn’t know me as well as he thought. This time, he hurt me to my core. There was no coming back from this.

It’s been a year since he told me he was positive. It has taken me this whole year to get over, go around, and just deal with all of everything I have been going through. I’ve had to come to terms with me and why I was so willing to move the boundaries over and over again in our 6 years of non-relationship. I am by no means a victim. I am the only person who is responsible and accountable for my well-being. I am no longer willing to turn that power over to someone else.

I haven’t been dating. I haven’t really had the time, but I also wanted to be absolutely sure that I was negative before I became involved with anyone else. I’ve had several HIV tests, the last one this past September. All, thankfully, have been negative. It didn’t even occur to me, until my GYN brought it up, that I had not been tested for other things since he told me. Thankfully, those tests were negative as well.

Since our last confrontation, we’ve seen each other out a few times, but we don’t really speak. Although he knew I would be writing this blog, he wanted me to take it down after the third post he was so afraid someone would figure out who he was. I refused. He accused me of trying to out him. I reminded him that if I wanted to do that I could have when he first told me, but I didn’t and I won’t. I still maintain I am able to keep his secret while at the same time telling my story. I have finally found my voice and I refuse to be silent again.

Part X

The Phone Session

I saw my counselor. Outside of journaling, in her presence is the only place I can tell my whole story without fear of judgement or being told what to do. I may not always like what she says, but in the end I know she’s right. She also has a way of verbalizing my feelings when I can’t.

She teared up when I explained to her what I had been going through since learning he was positive. She was yet another person in my life who did not believe he deserved anything from me, but she told me she knew my heart and she knew that I loved him. I’m glad she knew, because from hour to hour, day to day, I didn’t know how I felt. I was so very confused. As usual, we ended the session with her telling me to be gentle with me.

I left my counseling session and went to his house to support him in telling Tasarah the news. He was so sweet and different, it made me a little uncomfortable. I looked at him like he had two heads when he went to kiss me on my cheek. It was getting late, and it was a week night. I didn’t have time for games. I just wanted to get the conversation with her over so I could go back home.

He called her and left a message. By the time she called back I was getting ready to go. When he told her, she acted like she was shocked and stunned, but then she said the strangest thing. She said, “What if I’m positive and I gave it to you?” Huh? Why would she say that? And how are you 50 something and you don’t know your status? Well, he was 49 and he just found out his, so I guess folks just sleep around unprotected without getting checked. She also seemed really surprised when he told her that I was negative. She wanted to know how that was possible. Excuse me? I was the youngest one in the room and far from being an angel, but I get tested on the regular, even though for the past 3 years he was my ONLY partner. She asked more questions and we answered them as best we could. After we got off the phone with Tasarah, he told me that she works with the AIDS Drug Assistance Program (ADAP) in her current position. So my question was why did she seem so clueless?

As I got ready to leave, I expressed to him that he now has someone else he could talk to about what he’s going through. He became panicked and asked if I was saying I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. If I had had any kind of sense, I would have said that’s exactly what I meant, but instead I said no, I would still be there and I just meant he has one more person in his support circle.

I kept trying to leave, and he kept coming up with reasons to keep me there. He continued to tell me how much he cared for me and knew I was the one for him.

I asked, “So if I mean so much to you, why haven’t you told me this before? Why is it that now that you have this diagnosis I have all of sudden become so important to you?”

“I was already feeling this way,” he replied.

“Really? But you never expressed it until now. If it is true, your timing sucks. Can you not see how I might not be able to believe you right now? Your admission seems awfully self-serving.”

He didn’t understand. But I needed to get home and get ready for work the next day so I left without trying to explain any further or allowing him to hug me goodbye. I didn’t want to be touched, not by him, not at that moment.

Everything about Tasarah and that conversation didn’t sit well with me. In the following days she gave him a different story about when she was going to be tested each time they talked. After a few days, she finally told him she had tested negative. Of course, he took Tasarah at her word, but I was still skeptical. I needed proof.

VI

Good Lovin'

This is a #TBT from way back. Some of you who knew me from the other site will recognize this...

Have you ever had that good loving I mean really good loving that made you just want to shout, or hum or sing?

That kind of loving that made you want to tell everyone that you spoke to about it?

I've had that kind of loving

Everything was perfect from the layout of the room to the smell of his cologne

The way he touched my body sent walls crumbling and I could feel ME

The real me coming back to life after years of being hidden beneath LIFE and all that brings

The sensual, sexy, soft me

The adventurous me

The me that wants to please my partner just as much as I want to be pleased

We spent time caressing each other, massaging away whatever stressors we may have had on the other side of the door

Listening to each other breathe, head to chest, wrapped up in each other; Just breathing together

Taking it all in

Thinking, but not thinking

Then a hand brushes against a thigh, caresses a cheek, and our heartbeats increase

Lips seek out lips

Legs wrap around legs

Backs arch

Hips grind

Fingers tantalize

Words are whispered

Positions change

Breath is lost

Bodies tense

The time/space dimension is shattered

Bodies relax

Breathing slows

Legs wrap around legs

Lips seek out lips

A hand brushes against a thigh, caresses a cheek

The Results

It was after 6am when he and I finally got off the phone. I tried to sleep, but couldn’t so at 8am I got up and called my big sis and told her about my night. She was upset. She never liked him for me anyway, but she also asked if she needed to call a bondsman. I told her no, no one got hurt. My sister didn’t believe me, but I assured her I had been on my best behavior. She helped me look online for somewhere I could get tested on a Saturday. I called a couple of sites to verify that they were open. When I found one that was, I got dressed to leave. It was 9am.

It felt odd being on the other side of the table answering the risk questions. I ask almost identical questions of the participants that I interview on a daily basis. I knew I had tested negative at my annual visit a few months ago, but my responses looked bad. Even I had to shake my head.

The counselor took me to the testing room and pricked my finger. We would know the results in a few short minutes. Of course, it didn’t seem so short to me, but the counselor did his best to keep things upbeat.

He brought me back to the counseling room and asked how I thought I had done. I didn’t know. I just wanted the results so I could stop holding my breath. He told me that I was negative and showed me the test to prove it. He told me that they don’t normally do that, but because we were both pretty sure I would be positive, he wanted me to see the proof. To say I felt relieved is an understatement. Before I left, he advised that because my last sexual encounter had only been a week before the test I would need to get retested in 3 months. He also said it would not be a bad idea to get tested monthly during that time, just to be safe and to know as soon as possible if there was a change in my status. He then asked if I would like to attend counseling sessions for people at high risk for HIV infection. I said sure and left with the flyer. I probably would have agreed to anything in that moment to be honest.

On my drive home, I called my sister to let her know the results and then called a friend. E and I have our arguments and see the world very differently, but when it comes to particular things we absolutely get each other and I knew this would be something he could handle. He’s also been there from day one, so he already knew the history of my relationship. I did ask him not to come with his “I told you so’s”. He asked some questions, but he mostly just listened.

When I got back home, the reality of the situation started to sink in and the tears started rolling. I was thankful that my children weren’t at home. I found myself in bed, eating Coconut Dream cookies in between crying and staring at the game on TV.
The person I was dating cheated. He tested positive for HIV. I could still test positive for HIV. If I do, how will my life change? What will I tell my children? Will I tell my friends, family, co-workers or none at all? What will happen with our relationship? Did I really mean it when I said I had his back, or was that just a knee-jerk reaction? For six years I have shown up for this guy and for six years he has been a selfish asshole. Why should I continue to show up for him?

So many questions. So many tears.

IV

The Set Up

It’s been a long time, almost 6 years to be exact (six seems to be my number), since I’ve posted anything on this blog. I don’t know if anyone is still checking for Eva, but I have something to say that I hope will be helpful not only for me, but for anyone who reads it. So in my Nina Mosley voice, "I’m gonna get it out anyway".

A lot has changed since my last post in 2009, and sadly, some things have remained the same. I’ve traveled and worked internationally. Those were some awesome experiences that I hope to repeat. I haven’t had a chance or the time to be anyone’s doula since 2009, but I was recently asked to assist a friend and his wife later this year. I’m excited to be there and humbled that they asked. I have a child in college! I still have two at home, and I’m counting down the days until they leave the nest. It’s amazing to have a hand in a child’s progression into adulthood. Watching my children and their friends grow up is awe inspiring. BD2 is still, well, BD2. BD1 and I are getting along and he’s involved a whole heck of a lot more than he ever was. He’s still not paying child support, but I appreciate his involvement and emotional support. Pretty much everything in my life has improved and I finally made it to that point where I could truly say I’M HAPPY…and then this happened.

I went back through my blog to see if I ever mentioned him, and I hadn’t. I can’t believe I’ve never talked about this one. I guess even though he was around back then, he hadn’t quite made it into the circle yet.

We would see each other every time I went to hang out at my favorite Friday night spot. He spent a lot of time on his breaks chatting me up until I finally agreed to go out with him after he got off work one night. The date itself was a typical, ATL, late night head over to IHOP or Waffle House, but we had good food and good conversation. Then it was time to pay the check, and when he reached into his pocket, his wedding band fell out onto the table. Whelp, that was the end of that. I told him to hit me up when he got a divorce and I left. We still saw each other out, but we kept it to small talk. Then several months after our initial date, he told me he was divorced, which I was able to verify since so much of our lives is available online. So we exchanged numbers and for the next six years we were, hmm, in relationship. We were friends, friends with benefits, side pieces, enemies, and then friends and lovers again and again.

And then one day last year it all turned. We started going on real dates and holding hands when we were out. We were looking each other in the eye when we spoke, and the sex was the best it had ever been in the years we had been dealing with each other. It just felt different. So I asked the question, "What are we doing?" He said we were dating. He needed to get to know me from this new perspective. OK, cool. Let’s date. We spoke almost daily and saw each other every weekend he was in town. I made an effort to be more available, something I did not usually do, but I wanted to show that I was making just as much of an effort as he was. He even met one of my brothers and a sister when he had shows in their areas. I don’t think anyone since I was dating BD2 has met someone in my family.

We still had our challenges, but we were trying to work through them instead of retreating from them. That’s what prompted me to go see him play one cold, Friday night even though all I really wanted to do was lay up in my warm bed and rest. I had been feeling some distance between us since he came back from his overseas performance. We had a bit of a falling out, regarding another woman while he was away. When he returned home our conversations were short and I didn’t feel like we were connecting. It felt to me like we were just going through the motions. I realized I hadn’t been to see him play in months. Seeing him in his gift always excited me, so I got myself together and headed out hoping to recapture some of what attracted me to him in the first place.

I spotted him sitting at the bar as soon as I walked through the door way. I smiled. He was on the phone and when he saw me he looked like he had been caught. I hugged him and said hello. He, in turn, asked me what I was doing there. Needless to say, that was not the reaction I was expecting.

I

Still Relevant

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