The End

There was so much going on in our lives at the time, it took me a while to get around to that conversation. I helped him sign up for health insurance through the ACA exchange. That night was painful and took quite a while to go through the different policy options to find one that he could afford and offered decent benefits. I also helped him sign up for free meds through Gilead. That process was much simpler. He eventually got on the ADAP waiting list and secured his care at the health department by lying about his insurance status. I understood why he did it. He was afraid of being dropped from care and having to find another clinic that would take him with insurance, and he was afraid of the co-pay, but I disagreed with his tactics.

I became increasingly frustrated with our relationship. We argued about everything it seemed. Although he tried to smooth things over by celebrating my birthday with me and buying me things, we always came back to the same sticking point, his selfishness. In one of our conversations he asked me, “What are YOU going to do to keep ME from cheating?” One would think that after all he had gone through in that short span of time, cheating would be the last thing on his mind.

After I stopped screaming in my head, I was able to calmly say, “I’m not going to do anything. Cheating is a choice. Of course, if you felt that what I was doing wasn’t enough, I would hope that you would tell me, upfront, that you wanted to be with someone else so that we could just end it there.”

That wasn’t the end of the conversation. We would come back to it in other arguments. In between, we tried to put on a good face in public when we went out to friends’ parties or if I was at his gigs. I’m not sure who we were trying to save face for, them or ourselves, but we put on quite the show. Not to say we were always unhappy, but the tension between us lay just beneath surface. It was only a matter of time before one of us snapped.

I attended his show the day before I had to drive to Miami for my sister’s funeral. A few nights before, he had come over and entertained my girls while I packed our bags. When he was on stage at his performance, we would catch each other’s eye every so often. On his breaks, he was very attentive and wanted to hold my hand and kiss. When I got ready to leave, he held me so long someone yelled that we needed to get a room. It reminded me of how we used to be at Zona’s when he performed there, before things got so crazy. The next day he called me every hour while I was driving those 10 hours to make sure I was ok. It felt good and I was able to relax a little until we discussed the night before and he told me he was so affectionate because his ex, my nemesis, was there and he was trying to make a past incident we all had right. I felt like once again he had pulled the rug out from under me and tainted something that actually felt good for me and could have been good for us.

I spent the week trying to figure out how to tell him it was over and each time I talked myself out of it. I had decided that it wasn’t a good time to make decisions. I was tired, stressed and emotional so I just needed to hold off on saying anything.

But I did say things out of anger or frustration. I would tell him that he was immature, selfish, lacking in emotional intelligence or as shallow as a cesspool. I told him I had a hard time picturing myself with someone who was lazy and spent most of his time watching TV, or on YouTube drinking every night. I needed someone with goals and a plan I could get behind and support.

We argued about him not using his skymiles to fly me to NYC for Valentine’s Day to be with him while he worked there that week. I could no longer afford to pay for my own ticket because I had to fly my son from school to Miami for the funeral. He didn’t want to use his miles because he thought it might jeopardize his precious gold status and his guitars would have to go in the undercarriage as opposed to the overhead bin. It was the same story, different year. So when we did celebrate Valentine’s Day the week after, the night was tense. I could tell he was upset, but he wasn’t really talking. When he did speak, it was to comment on the women walking through the door of the restaurant, or to make some comment about how I needed to be butt-naked the next time I came to his house. The references to me being naked or wearing heels and a t-shirt when I saw him were on my last nerve. After enduring the after dinner silent treatment, I asked him to take me home.

It took me being convicted by my own words from a previous blog post and a sermon at church to make me finally confront what I was avoiding. I recognized that I was not being fair to myself or to him, so I shared the blog with him. He questioned if I really thought such a man existed, and if he did why wasn’t I with him. I countered that I did think he was out there. I saw examples every day within my family and circle of friends, but I hadn’t met the guy or if I did I hadn’t noticed because I had been involved with him in some form or fashion for the last six years.

Days later I was at church and the sermon was about keeping it moving towards your destiny, remaining obedient, walking by faith and trusting God even when you don’t know the outcome. I knew right then I had to end this relationship. I wasn’t in it for the right reasons. I was in it because of ego, comfort and lack of faith. And I certainly wasn’t being obedient. I was acting in desperation.

After church I went to his house so we could talk, honestly talk, about what we knew to be true, but were afraid to admit. We were not working as a couple. He did not take too kindly to me showing up without calling. I knew he would just be getting up. I wasn't wrong. He thought I was trying to catch him with another woman; that wasn’t even a thought. I also knew that if I didn’t go right then, I would talk myself out of doing what I knew I should.

We went round for round, but I told him how I felt. I wasn’t happy and I just didn’t want to argue any more. I thought we needed to work on developing intimacy outside of the bedroom, but he wanted sex and his constant asking made me feel more like an object than like a person. He thought I should have been able to compartmentalize my hurt and feelings of betrayal and wear the heels and t-shirt or be naked so that he “could feel like a man again”. I took a deep sigh and gave up the argument.

He thanked me for telling him in person as opposed to text or email and held his fist out for a fist bump. I was outdone. I reiterated my feelings on his immaturity and lack of humility and left. What else could be said?

IX

The Phone Session

I saw my counselor. Outside of journaling, in her presence is the only place I can tell my whole story without fear of judgement or being told what to do. I may not always like what she says, but in the end I know she’s right. She also has a way of verbalizing my feelings when I can’t.

She teared up when I explained to her what I had been going through since learning he was positive. She was yet another person in my life who did not believe he deserved anything from me, but she told me she knew my heart and she knew that I loved him. I’m glad she knew, because from hour to hour, day to day, I didn’t know how I felt. I was so very confused. As usual, we ended the session with her telling me to be gentle with me.

I left my counseling session and went to his house to support him in telling Tasarah the news. He was so sweet and different, it made me a little uncomfortable. I looked at him like he had two heads when he went to kiss me on my cheek. It was getting late, and it was a week night. I didn’t have time for games. I just wanted to get the conversation with her over so I could go back home.

He called her and left a message. By the time she called back I was getting ready to go. When he told her, she acted like she was shocked and stunned, but then she said the strangest thing. She said, “What if I’m positive and I gave it to you?” Huh? Why would she say that? And how are you 50 something and you don’t know your status? Well, he was 49 and he just found out his, so I guess folks just sleep around unprotected without getting checked. She also seemed really surprised when he told her that I was negative. She wanted to know how that was possible. Excuse me? I was the youngest one in the room and far from being an angel, but I get tested on the regular, even though for the past 3 years he was my ONLY partner. She asked more questions and we answered them as best we could. After we got off the phone with Tasarah, he told me that she works with the AIDS Drug Assistance Program (ADAP) in her current position. So my question was why did she seem so clueless?

As I got ready to leave, I expressed to him that he now has someone else he could talk to about what he’s going through. He became panicked and asked if I was saying I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. If I had had any kind of sense, I would have said that’s exactly what I meant, but instead I said no, I would still be there and I just meant he has one more person in his support circle.

I kept trying to leave, and he kept coming up with reasons to keep me there. He continued to tell me how much he cared for me and knew I was the one for him.

I asked, “So if I mean so much to you, why haven’t you told me this before? Why is it that now that you have this diagnosis I have all of sudden become so important to you?”

“I was already feeling this way,” he replied.

“Really? But you never expressed it until now. If it is true, your timing sucks. Can you not see how I might not be able to believe you right now? Your admission seems awfully self-serving.”

He didn’t understand. But I needed to get home and get ready for work the next day so I left without trying to explain any further or allowing him to hug me goodbye. I didn’t want to be touched, not by him, not at that moment.

Everything about Tasarah and that conversation didn’t sit well with me. In the following days she gave him a different story about when she was going to be tested each time they talked. After a few days, she finally told him she had tested negative. Of course, he took Tasarah at her word, but I was still skeptical. I needed proof.

VI

Your Daddy Ain't Ish

This one is for all of the men out there. Hear me NOW. If you are friends, acquaintances, sleeping with and/or dating a woman who has a child(ren), it is NOT your place to tell that child her father ain’t ish, even if he is. You have absolutely NO right to insert yourself into that child’s relationship with her father and disrespect him (and by extension that child) by telling her that. If you are so concerned about her and the choices she is making, partly as a result of her dysfunctional father, then make it your business to show her what a real man is about by treating her and her mother with respect, provide a listening ear when she needs it, and provide the guidance that every child needs. Telling that child that her father ain’t ish will NOT help her. She already knows what her father isn’t doing, hasn’t done, and probably will never do. She lives with that pain every day. That is her reality.

While she may act out and think she’s grown, doing things that grown people do, she is still a child unable to handle adult issues. She doesn’t need another man telling her what her daddy ain’t. She needs someone showing her what a MAN is. She needs someone telling her that she is valued so that one day when that boy or older man steps to her with false promises of love and pipe dreams, she will walk the other way because she knows she’s worthy of better.

If it bothers you so much, angers you so much that her father ain’t ish, then why don’t you talk to your male friends and call them on their stupidity when they walk out on their responsibilities. If it angers you so much, then why don’t you become a mentor to other boys and girls who may also be from single-mother homes. If it angers you so much, then why don’t you stop sleeping with her mother for kicks and marry her and become a real example.

If you aren’t willing to do any of those things, then sit down and SHUT UP.

Helpful Resources:
http://www.manifestyourdestiny.org/
http://www.forrealsolutions.com/