The Epilogue: Words Hurt

Apparently, there was a lot left to be said. After a cool down period of a few weeks, where we would text here and there, we finally spoke again. He called me one night after one of his gigs. I could tell he was drinking and smoking his cigar. He usually couldn’t tell me how he really felt until after a drink or two. He was like George in that way.

After some small talk, I told him I felt the relationship had become a distraction from what I needed to be doing to move my life forward and we were just stuck in these repeating patterns. He thanked me for “shitting on him” when we last spoke because I told him he may not be undetectable this soon after starting his meds. I let him know that I was praying for him, his growth and his health. I just didn’t want him to be disappointed or discouraged if he didn’t attain an undetectable status immediately. He then went on this long rant about how he was a different kind of musician because he had also majored in marketing. OK.

He wanted me to know that he had been working on his music and felt better, but he also couldn’t have any distractions. After reading what I wanted in a man, he felt he wasn’t that and could never be that, therefore I was a distraction because, in his opinion, I was imposing something on him he couldn’t live up to and so I was taking away from his music. At this point he was so inebriated I couldn’t understand anything else he had to say, but I surely got the message.

We spoke a few days later while I was in Miami. For some reason, we always called each other when one of us was out of town. I guess old habits are hard to break. I let him know that I never would want to be a distraction to what God has planned for him. Of course, he started back tracking and saying that’s not what he meant. He only meant that he couldn’t be the man that I wanted. Fair enough.

A few weeks after that he called to let me know that he had gone to his doctor's appointment. As it turned out, he was undetectable. I congratulated him on his success. He wanted to get another HIV test since the doctor had given him that news. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why he wanted to be tested again. It wasn’t until the next day that it occurred to me that he thought being undetectable would mean his HIV test would now be negative. At the risk of “shitting on him” again, I explained what it meant to be undetectable - reduced virus in the blood – and that he would always test positive because the HIV test looks for antibodies and unless and until there is a cure, he will always have antibodies to the virus.

He took the news well and we continued talking. I even went to two of his performances. And that’s where the good feelings ended. At one of those performances I felt disrespected by an interaction between him and one of his female friends. So as we usually do, we argued. And the argument turned nasty. We rehashed old and recent grievances. He threw in my face that I had not been in a relationship in the last 6 years and I threw back that he hadn’t been able to keep a relationship in that same time period. He said it was because no one had really peaked his interest like his ex-wife, and maybe he should let her know since now they were on speaking terms after performing together. I told him to go right ahead and hung up the phone. He continued to text and call and I continued to send him to voicemail. Eventually, I answered the phone and asked him to stop calling me.

He did, but then called the next day to apologize for the way he had spoken to me. He wanted us to talk. I said I didn’t have anything left to say, but I would give him the opportunity to voice what he needed to get out. In an effort to spare my girls any more of my yelling, I agreed to meet him at his house after dinner so we could finish this.

I really could have stayed at home and not heard another word he had to say. It was just more of the same bullshit. He told me he valued me as friend and a person. I said I couldn’t tell. He kept talking and asking me questions. With a smirk on his face, he repeatedly asked me, “Well, what do you think you are to me?”

It seemed like he thought he was pulling some kind of secret out of me. It was so ridiculous. I finally said, “Your ex”.

“So when you came over in March that was to break up with me?” He asked.

“Yes. We’ve been through this.” I replied.

“But you were never my girlfriend.” He said smugly swirling his wine in a snifter glass. “I never asked you to be my girl. I merely said that I thought you were the woman I could spend the rest of my life with, but I was trying to get to know you by dating you.”

“So we’re back in high school now!? Because you didn’t ask will you go with me, or pass me a note to check yes or no, we weren’t together? You know you can say some stupid ass...” I stopped myself from going down that rabbit hole with a wave.

“None of what you just said makes sense. But I tell you what, if I was never your girl then we can just end this conversation right now. And you can take my name off your emergency contacts.”

“When I called you last week to tell you I was undetectable you didn’t even come celebrate with me. You just said congratulations. Tasarah said if you were really my girl, if you were any kind of woman, you would have just told me to put on a condom and had sex with me, even before I was undetectable.”

“Really? You want to bring that bitch up right now. For all I know, she was the one who gave you HIV. Because she couldn’t be your woman, she’s settling for the role of ‘bestie’ and in your ear every chance she gets. Tell her I will gladly give up the reins and she can take that chance since that’s what the both of you want.”

I got my things together and got up to leave. He grabbed me around my waist and kept telling me that he knew me, and I would be back just like before. Clearly he didn’t know me as well as he thought. This time, he hurt me to my core. There was no coming back from this.

It’s been a year since he told me he was positive. It has taken me this whole year to get over, go around, and just deal with all of everything I have been going through. I’ve had to come to terms with me and why I was so willing to move the boundaries over and over again in our 6 years of non-relationship. I am by no means a victim. I am the only person who is responsible and accountable for my well-being. I am no longer willing to turn that power over to someone else.

I haven’t been dating. I haven’t really had the time, but I also wanted to be absolutely sure that I was negative before I became involved with anyone else. I’ve had several HIV tests, the last one this past September. All, thankfully, have been negative. It didn’t even occur to me, until my GYN brought it up, that I had not been tested for other things since he told me. Thankfully, those tests were negative as well.

Since our last confrontation, we’ve seen each other out a few times, but we don’t really speak. Although he knew I would be writing this blog, he wanted me to take it down after the third post he was so afraid someone would figure out who he was. I refused. He accused me of trying to out him. I reminded him that if I wanted to do that I could have when he first told me, but I didn’t and I won’t. I still maintain I am able to keep his secret while at the same time telling my story. I have finally found my voice and I refuse to be silent again.

Part X

The End

There was so much going on in our lives at the time, it took me a while to get around to that conversation. I helped him sign up for health insurance through the ACA exchange. That night was painful and took quite a while to go through the different policy options to find one that he could afford and offered decent benefits. I also helped him sign up for free meds through Gilead. That process was much simpler. He eventually got on the ADAP waiting list and secured his care at the health department by lying about his insurance status. I understood why he did it. He was afraid of being dropped from care and having to find another clinic that would take him with insurance, and he was afraid of the co-pay, but I disagreed with his tactics.

I became increasingly frustrated with our relationship. We argued about everything it seemed. Although he tried to smooth things over by celebrating my birthday with me and buying me things, we always came back to the same sticking point, his selfishness. In one of our conversations he asked me, “What are YOU going to do to keep ME from cheating?” One would think that after all he had gone through in that short span of time, cheating would be the last thing on his mind.

After I stopped screaming in my head, I was able to calmly say, “I’m not going to do anything. Cheating is a choice. Of course, if you felt that what I was doing wasn’t enough, I would hope that you would tell me, upfront, that you wanted to be with someone else so that we could just end it there.”

That wasn’t the end of the conversation. We would come back to it in other arguments. In between, we tried to put on a good face in public when we went out to friends’ parties or if I was at his gigs. I’m not sure who we were trying to save face for, them or ourselves, but we put on quite the show. Not to say we were always unhappy, but the tension between us lay just beneath surface. It was only a matter of time before one of us snapped.

I attended his show the day before I had to drive to Miami for my sister’s funeral. A few nights before, he had come over and entertained my girls while I packed our bags. When he was on stage at his performance, we would catch each other’s eye every so often. On his breaks, he was very attentive and wanted to hold my hand and kiss. When I got ready to leave, he held me so long someone yelled that we needed to get a room. It reminded me of how we used to be at Zona’s when he performed there, before things got so crazy. The next day he called me every hour while I was driving those 10 hours to make sure I was ok. It felt good and I was able to relax a little until we discussed the night before and he told me he was so affectionate because his ex, my nemesis, was there and he was trying to make a past incident we all had right. I felt like once again he had pulled the rug out from under me and tainted something that actually felt good for me and could have been good for us.

I spent the week trying to figure out how to tell him it was over and each time I talked myself out of it. I had decided that it wasn’t a good time to make decisions. I was tired, stressed and emotional so I just needed to hold off on saying anything.

But I did say things out of anger or frustration. I would tell him that he was immature, selfish, lacking in emotional intelligence or as shallow as a cesspool. I told him I had a hard time picturing myself with someone who was lazy and spent most of his time watching TV, or on YouTube drinking every night. I needed someone with goals and a plan I could get behind and support.

We argued about him not using his skymiles to fly me to NYC for Valentine’s Day to be with him while he worked there that week. I could no longer afford to pay for my own ticket because I had to fly my son from school to Miami for the funeral. He didn’t want to use his miles because he thought it might jeopardize his precious gold status and his guitars would have to go in the undercarriage as opposed to the overhead bin. It was the same story, different year. So when we did celebrate Valentine’s Day the week after, the night was tense. I could tell he was upset, but he wasn’t really talking. When he did speak, it was to comment on the women walking through the door of the restaurant, or to make some comment about how I needed to be butt-naked the next time I came to his house. The references to me being naked or wearing heels and a t-shirt when I saw him were on my last nerve. After enduring the after dinner silent treatment, I asked him to take me home.

It took me being convicted by my own words from a previous blog post and a sermon at church to make me finally confront what I was avoiding. I recognized that I was not being fair to myself or to him, so I shared the blog with him. He questioned if I really thought such a man existed, and if he did why wasn’t I with him. I countered that I did think he was out there. I saw examples every day within my family and circle of friends, but I hadn’t met the guy or if I did I hadn’t noticed because I had been involved with him in some form or fashion for the last six years.

Days later I was at church and the sermon was about keeping it moving towards your destiny, remaining obedient, walking by faith and trusting God even when you don’t know the outcome. I knew right then I had to end this relationship. I wasn’t in it for the right reasons. I was in it because of ego, comfort and lack of faith. And I certainly wasn’t being obedient. I was acting in desperation.

After church I went to his house so we could talk, honestly talk, about what we knew to be true, but were afraid to admit. We were not working as a couple. He did not take too kindly to me showing up without calling. I knew he would just be getting up. I wasn't wrong. He thought I was trying to catch him with another woman; that wasn’t even a thought. I also knew that if I didn’t go right then, I would talk myself out of doing what I knew I should.

We went round for round, but I told him how I felt. I wasn’t happy and I just didn’t want to argue any more. I thought we needed to work on developing intimacy outside of the bedroom, but he wanted sex and his constant asking made me feel more like an object than like a person. He thought I should have been able to compartmentalize my hurt and feelings of betrayal and wear the heels and t-shirt or be naked so that he “could feel like a man again”. I took a deep sigh and gave up the argument.

He thanked me for telling him in person as opposed to text or email and held his fist out for a fist bump. I was outdone. I reiterated my feelings on his immaturity and lack of humility and left. What else could be said?

IX

The misAdventures of a Dating Single Mom, Part III

It ended where it began, Arizona’s. The last nail in the coffin came a few days before when I saw New Guy at the school and the best he could do was wave at me as I was driving off. I sent him a text letting him know that I didn’t appreciate that. Of course, he tried to come back with something about me making more out of it than it really was, but I told him that I was starting to notice a pattern and I didn’t like the picture that was being painted. He got frustrated and didn’t want to speak any more. Later, I texted him and asked exactly what his intentions were regarding me. He didn’t respond until a day later and when he did he said he couldn’t understand the question. (I have since learned that apparently other men read that question a lot differently than I had intended.) I clarified that I wanted to know, which was his interest level was in our relationship. He told me that was putting the horse before the cart and he just wanted me to stop being spoiled. Spoiled? Horse before the cart? Funny, that was never a consideration when he was trying to sleep with me. We went back and forth with a few more text messages and then I finally just said see ya! He came back with some text about me needing to look deep within so that I can be honest and real. Excuse me? I’m not sure what it is he thinks I haven’t been honest or real about, but I was quite honest with him and that is why I let him know that I thought he was a nice guy, just not the nice guy for me. That was then…

Fast forward to Friday night: I’m at the restaurant enjoying the band when I notice New Guy walk through the door. He claims he didn’t see me, but not 10 seconds after he arrived I received a text from him stating that he had been thinking about me all day. Really? I politely deleted his text without a response. A few minutes later I was trying to make my way to the door and had to walk past him and his friends. In retrospect, his facial expression did carry a look of surprise, so maybe he didn’t know I was there. I walked by with nothing more than an “excuse me”. He just looked at me with his mouth gaping open. Now begins the onslaught of texts. He couldn’t believe I would walk past him and not say anything. I told him to stop being spoiled. He continues to send his messages; I continue to delete them unanswered. Eventually, he drinks up enough courage to come over and speak to me face to face. We exchange a few words and I walk away to go speak to someone else. When I decide to leave, he begins begging me to meet him somewhere afterwards. I’m not having it and tell him as much.

His actions on Friday only reconfirmed for me that I was about sex to him. Why else are you texting me at 10pm at night, and you’re out drinking, talking about you’ve been thinking about me all day. That was supposed to be the beginning of the set up but I ruined his plans by being present and having a brain. I am so tired of being nothing than more than a piece of ass for some man to “tap”. I love sex, and I am a sexual person, but I’m really tired of people mistaking my openness and honesty for stupidity. I would really like to get into a man’s head literally. I would like to know if they have a conscience or care about how what they do affects the other person. I can’t tell that many of them do.

At any rate, I feel like I passed a test. I was able to decipher the signs, check my feelings and act. A few years ago it would not have been that easy and I would have been typing this two-five years from now. Oh well, time not wasted is time saved.