Today is Thanksgiving and while I am truly thankful for my family and friends and the difference in my financial situation, I'm also sad. I'm sad because I'm starting to realize that perhaps me and my friends have a different definition of 'friendship'.
I have this crazy idea that friends should spend time together and not just email and text each other to death. I think friends should know who you are as a person, not create a persona of you, after being around each other for a over two years or ten years. But maybe I'm just asking too much of others or like with men, I'm choosing the wrong friends.
One friend in particular has me sad today. He said he loved me two days ago and then yesterday we were done. We both have agreed that friendship, or friendship with benefits, is about as far as we can go with each other for various reasons, but he is always scrutinizing the things that I say and do as if we are dating and he's lookng for the out. So yesterday I gave him that out. I was tired of it. I was tired of trying to live up to a standard that was constantly changing. Funny thing though, as I was thinking about trying not to think about the situation, another friend sends me a text wishing me a happy holiday and I let him know what was going on with me. He put it all into perspective right quick for me with a text that read, "Well, it's not like you ever thought he was the ONE." True, but it still hurts.
It hurts that after five years, I'm still not understood. After five years, I'm still being judged by past situations and insecurities. After five years, you don't see ME.
He likes to say that "I am not you and you are not me" and yet he wants me to act like him, or how he thinks I should act, but I can't. He wants me to look a certain way, but I don't. I am me and I am proud of me, flaws and all.
I'm sorry for him that, contrary to his claims, he can't just enjoy life without analyzing each situation. I'm sorry that he feels lonely although there are people all around him, yet he has boxed himself into a 'safe' corner. I mean after all if you aren't interested in others and don't take the time to get to really KNOW others, then you can only care about them to a point and that protects you. Right?
Well, I think I have done my best in this friendship and I have no regrets there. I guess the season has passed and the reason will be revealed through other life experiences IF I have captured the lesson.
