The Confession

I was stunned by his reaction. Ok, seeing me may have been a surprise, but instead of being happy to see me, he seemed angry that I was there. I couldn’t ask about it because it was time for him and the rest of the band to go back on stage. I sat at the bar and ordered a drink. Throughout their set I couldn’t really enjoy myself because I was wondering what kind of mess I had walked in on this night. Did he invite someone else out? Would this be a throwback to our early days where epic public scenes made us infamous in some circles?

I sipped on my drink while texting and checking Facebook in between listening to the bar tender chat up the couple next to me. The band finished with their set relatively early. It wasn’t even 11pm; I was used to gigs where we might not leave until 1 or 4am. He asked if I would wait. I said ok. Out the corner of my eye, I saw an older woman come from the other side of the club and stop in front of the stage. She was apparently waiting for him to walk her to her car, which he did. I sipped on another drink trying to keep my anger from rising. I couldn’t believe he had me wait for him so he could walk some other woman out the door after the “welcome” he had given me. But, she could have been a potential opportunity for future business, so I needed to stay cool and not jump to any conclusions.

When he came back in, he asked if I would follow him to his rehearsal. Again, I said ok. I was waiting for my opportunity to confront him and since rehearsal had supposedly already started, it wouldn’t take that long. I followed him in my car to the spot. We literally went from the club to the church. I sat in the front pew of the cold church exchanging text messages with him, trying to stay awake while they reran particular parts of songs over and over again. Finally, around 1am he asked if he could leave and so we did. I had planned to just go home from there, forget confronting him, I was ready to go to sleep, but once we were at our cars he asked if I would follow him to his house. I protested at first, but soon gave in. I did however, put him on notice that he would not be getting any on this night.

We were standing in his room. There was very little light. I was standing at the head of his bed. He was standing at the foot of the bed. I started to take off my boots when he said, “I went to the health department today”.
“OK, why are you going to the health department? Where’s your regular doctor?” I asked.
“Why do people go to the health department?” He asked.
I shrugged and continued taking off my boots.
“I had a blood test.” He replied.
I stopped what I was doing and looked up at him. “What do you need a blood test for?” My brain was still clueless, but by the way my heart was beating, my body knew what he was telling me without telling me. And then he dropped it on me.
“I tested positive for HIV.”

II

The Set Up

It’s been a long time, almost 6 years to be exact (six seems to be my number), since I’ve posted anything on this blog. I don’t know if anyone is still checking for Eva, but I have something to say that I hope will be helpful not only for me, but for anyone who reads it. So in my Nina Mosley voice, "I’m gonna get it out anyway".

A lot has changed since my last post in 2009, and sadly, some things have remained the same. I’ve traveled and worked internationally. Those were some awesome experiences that I hope to repeat. I haven’t had a chance or the time to be anyone’s doula since 2009, but I was recently asked to assist a friend and his wife later this year. I’m excited to be there and humbled that they asked. I have a child in college! I still have two at home, and I’m counting down the days until they leave the nest. It’s amazing to have a hand in a child’s progression into adulthood. Watching my children and their friends grow up is awe inspiring. BD2 is still, well, BD2. BD1 and I are getting along and he’s involved a whole heck of a lot more than he ever was. He’s still not paying child support, but I appreciate his involvement and emotional support. Pretty much everything in my life has improved and I finally made it to that point where I could truly say I’M HAPPY…and then this happened.

I went back through my blog to see if I ever mentioned him, and I hadn’t. I can’t believe I’ve never talked about this one. I guess even though he was around back then, he hadn’t quite made it into the circle yet.

We would see each other every time I went to hang out at my favorite Friday night spot. He spent a lot of time on his breaks chatting me up until I finally agreed to go out with him after he got off work one night. The date itself was a typical, ATL, late night head over to IHOP or Waffle House, but we had good food and good conversation. Then it was time to pay the check, and when he reached into his pocket, his wedding band fell out onto the table. Whelp, that was the end of that. I told him to hit me up when he got a divorce and I left. We still saw each other out, but we kept it to small talk. Then several months after our initial date, he told me he was divorced, which I was able to verify since so much of our lives is available online. So we exchanged numbers and for the next six years we were, hmm, in relationship. We were friends, friends with benefits, side pieces, enemies, and then friends and lovers again and again.

And then one day last year it all turned. We started going on real dates and holding hands when we were out. We were looking each other in the eye when we spoke, and the sex was the best it had ever been in the years we had been dealing with each other. It just felt different. So I asked the question, "What are we doing?" He said we were dating. He needed to get to know me from this new perspective. OK, cool. Let’s date. We spoke almost daily and saw each other every weekend he was in town. I made an effort to be more available, something I did not usually do, but I wanted to show that I was making just as much of an effort as he was. He even met one of my brothers and a sister when he had shows in their areas. I don’t think anyone since I was dating BD2 has met someone in my family.

We still had our challenges, but we were trying to work through them instead of retreating from them. That’s what prompted me to go see him play one cold, Friday night even though all I really wanted to do was lay up in my warm bed and rest. I had been feeling some distance between us since he came back from his overseas performance. We had a bit of a falling out, regarding another woman while he was away. When he returned home our conversations were short and I didn’t feel like we were connecting. It felt to me like we were just going through the motions. I realized I hadn’t been to see him play in months. Seeing him in his gift always excited me, so I got myself together and headed out hoping to recapture some of what attracted me to him in the first place.

I spotted him sitting at the bar as soon as I walked through the door way. I smiled. He was on the phone and when he saw me he looked like he had been caught. I hugged him and said hello. He, in turn, asked me what I was doing there. Needless to say, that was not the reaction I was expecting.

I