After some small talk, I told him I felt the relationship had become a distraction from what I needed to be doing to move my life forward and we were just stuck in these repeating patterns. He thanked me for “shitting on him” when we last spoke because I told him he may not be undetectable this soon after starting his meds. I let him know that I was praying for him, his growth and his health. I just didn’t want him to be disappointed or discouraged if he didn’t attain an undetectable status immediately. He then went on this long rant about how he was a different kind of musician because he had also majored in marketing. OK.
He wanted me to know that he had been working on his music and felt better, but he also couldn’t have any distractions. After reading what I wanted in a man, he felt he wasn’t that and could never be that, therefore I was a distraction because, in his opinion, I was imposing something on him he couldn’t live up to and so I was taking away from his music. At this point he was so inebriated I couldn’t understand anything else he had to say, but I surely got the message.
We spoke a few days later while I was in Miami. For some reason, we always called each other when one of us was out of town. I guess old habits are hard to break. I let him know that I never would want to be a distraction to what God has planned for him. Of course, he started back tracking and saying that’s not what he meant. He only meant that he couldn’t be the man that I wanted. Fair enough.
A few weeks after that he called to let me know that he had gone to his doctor's appointment. As it turned out, he was undetectable. I congratulated him on his success. He wanted to get another HIV test since the doctor had given him that news. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why he wanted to be tested again. It wasn’t until the next day that it occurred to me that he thought being undetectable would mean his HIV test would now be negative. At the risk of “shitting on him” again, I explained what it meant to be undetectable - reduced virus in the blood – and that he would always test positive because the HIV test looks for antibodies and unless and until there is a cure, he will always have antibodies to the virus.
He took the news well and we continued talking. I even went to two of his performances. And that’s where the good feelings ended. At one of those performances I felt disrespected by an interaction between him and one of his female friends. So as we usually do, we argued. And the argument turned nasty. We rehashed old and recent grievances. He threw in my face that I had not been in a relationship in the last 6 years and I threw back that he hadn’t been able to keep a relationship in that same time period. He said it was because no one had really peaked his interest like his ex-wife, and maybe he should let her know since now they were on speaking terms after performing together. I told him to go right ahead and hung up the phone. He continued to text and call and I continued to send him to voicemail. Eventually, I answered the phone and asked him to stop calling me.
He did, but then called the next day to apologize for the way he had spoken to me. He wanted us to talk. I said I didn’t have anything left to say, but I would give him the opportunity to voice what he needed to get out. In an effort to spare my girls any more of my yelling, I agreed to meet him at his house after dinner so we could finish this.
I really could have stayed at home and not heard another word he had to say. It was just more of the same bullshit. He told me he valued me as friend and a person. I said I couldn’t tell. He kept talking and asking me questions. With a smirk on his face, he repeatedly asked me, “Well, what do you think you are to me?”
It seemed like he thought he was pulling some kind of secret out of me. It was so ridiculous. I finally said, “Your ex”.
“So when you came over in March that was to break up with me?” He asked.
“Yes. We’ve been through this.” I replied.
“But you were never my girlfriend.” He said smugly swirling his wine in a snifter glass. “I never asked you to be my girl. I merely said that I thought you were the woman I could spend the rest of my life with, but I was trying to get to know you by dating you.”
“So we’re back in high school now!? Because you didn’t ask will you go with me, or pass me a note to check yes or no, we weren’t together? You know you can say some stupid ass...” I stopped myself from going down that rabbit hole with a wave.
“None of what you just said makes sense. But I tell you what, if I was never your girl then we can just end this conversation right now. And you can take my name off your emergency contacts.”
“When I called you last week to tell you I was undetectable you didn’t even come celebrate with me. You just said congratulations. Tasarah said if you were really my girl, if you were any kind of woman, you would have just told me to put on a condom and had sex with me, even before I was undetectable.”
“Really? You want to bring that bitch up right now. For all I know, she was the one who gave you HIV. Because she couldn’t be your woman, she’s settling for the role of ‘bestie’ and in your ear every chance she gets. Tell her I will gladly give up the reins and she can take that chance since that’s what the both of you want.”
I got my things together and got up to leave. He grabbed me around my waist and kept telling me that he knew me, and I would be back just like before. Clearly he didn’t know me as well as he thought. This time, he hurt me to my core. There was no coming back from this.
It’s been a year since he told me he was positive. It has taken me this whole year to get over, go around, and just deal with all of everything I have been going through. I’ve had to come to terms with me and why I was so willing to move the boundaries over and over again in our 6 years of non-relationship. I am by no means a victim. I am the only person who is responsible and accountable for my well-being. I am no longer willing to turn that power over to someone else.
Since our last confrontation, we’ve seen each other out a few times, but we don’t really speak. Although he knew I would be writing this blog, he wanted me to take it down after the third post he was so afraid someone would figure out who he was. I refused. He accused me of trying to out him. I reminded him that if I wanted to do that I could have when he first told me, but I didn’t and I won’t. I still maintain I am able to keep his secret while at the same time telling my story. I have finally found my voice and I refuse to be silent again.
Part X
