He Released Me When I Didn’t Have Sense Enough To Release Myself

It’s been six years now since we first met and while it didn’t end quite the way I had hoped, it has come to an end. We have seen each other through engagements, a baby (not his), and a whole lot of drama of all levels. It’s been something else. I can’t say it was all bad, more like a teachable moment. All those little things that he would do or not do, say or not say that felt a little prickly to me, that hurt my feelings or made me feel bad about myself I should not have ignored or wrote off or allowed him to convince me that I was just being “sensitive”. My feelings, while not his feelings, still mattered. He took great to look after everyone else’s feelings, but mine somehow didn’t matter as much. I guess because I was in that group he would sleep with, but never date. I tried to convince myself that I was cool with that, and in the beginning I probably was, or just distracted. Lord knows, I had enough going on outside of him to keep me off focus.

But now, now I’m focused and thinking and feeling with clarity. Those little prickly feelings could no longer be ignored. I could no longer ignore the slights or disrespectful words or gestures or nongestures. So I began to speak up for myself. I had discovered what it was that I wanted and in doing so I had found my voice, yet I still couldn’t break completely free. So he did it for me. Oh, I was pissed at first. I always wanted to be the one to walk away on my own terms. Yes, I always knew there would be an end; I just wanted it to be my end, my way. But I got over the hurt feelings once I realized that it really was for the best. While he may have had his own selfish reasons for doing it the way it did it, a clean break for us is the best way to go. Discussions always led us back into each other. So now, I’m free. And if I’ve really learned anything, I won’t repeat this particular situation again. Most of all I will never again put me to the side for the gratification of someone else. I’m grateful for relationship and the growth and now the release. It is received in love whether it was intended that way or not. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Love Expression – Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I have been having ongoing discussions with my sisters and sisterfriends about love and how men express their love. (That’s what reading Steve Harvey’s book will get you.) I seem to be in the minority with my friends/sisters in that I am not as hung up on the man saying “I love you” as much as I am with him showing his love for me in various ways, conversely, they would like to hear the words. This may all have to do with one’s perspective and experiences. I have had all too many a man tell me he loved me and profess his undying love for me, yet his actions didn’t quite add up to that love he kept telling me he felt for me. Therefore, I would prefer the action over the words. That’s not to say I wouldn’t want my man to tell me he loves me, of course I would, but I also want all that comes with loving someone. I want the honesty, the communication, the commitment, the protection, the gifts, and I want someone who will provide for me. I want all of it. Someone once told me that I couldn’t have everything. I believe that with the right man, I can have everything and then some.

Still Relevant

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Dating Help Is On the Way

Last week I finally ordered Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man. I’ve been counting down the days until its arrival, checking my front step every time I leave or come home. Then this morning as I was driving off to go to work I took one last glance over my shoulder. Wait, there’s something there. The little brown box with the crooked smile had finally arrived! I stopped the car, put it in reverse and backed up to my drive way. I almost jumped out of the car without putting it in reverse. I was so happy. It felt like Christmas morning to me. I ran over and picked up my box and jumped back in the car. I immediately pulled out my office keys and used them to cut the tape on the box. Ahhh, there it was my very own copy of THE book.

I’ve been listening to the show and absolutely love the Strawberry Letter segment, so much so that I’ve written in twice, once about Mr. California and once about Him. I haven’t heard it read on the show yet, but that’s ok. I have my book with the answers waiting to jump off the page at me. I usually reserve my time on the shuttle for napping, but this morning I started reading my book. Before I knew it I was already at work, but not before I gained some serious insight and I’m only on page 25! I can’t wait to read on and see the mysteries of men and relationships open up to me page after page after page.

Exodus

For some reason it finally occurred to me tonight that I am the only one keeping me hostage. I can walk away from the sometimes toxic, sometimes draining, sometimes sometimey relationships in my life at any moment. But why is it so hard? I don’t know why it has to get to a point of hatred before I can do that. It shouldn’t have to be that way. Is this what the phrase “Loyal to a Fault” means? In this case, or cases, I can’t really say that it’s about loyalty.

It’s about the lure, the sexual satisfaction I receive when I’m with him or Him. While they are sexually gratifying, they leave me so very unfulfilled emotionally. Maybe I’m just being lazy. It’s easier to just fall back on what’s there then to actually try to meet someone new and get to know them and trust them enough to go there.

So then the question comes back to me: Do I want to liberated or do I want what’s familiar? I guess I need to make the best decision for me.

Play by the Rules or Else

I’m sick of playing by someone else’s rules. He dictates who initiates, when we will see each other, where we sill see each other, and I keep going along with it. I thought I had finally found the out I had been wanting and a week later I’m back to asking to see him. It’s like the addict and the drug. You want so badly to be done with it, but then you think about how good you feel for that moment, and forget about how low you feel once the moment has passed.

Mr. California doesn’t have that same draw for me. I can go for months without talking to him and not even miss him. I answer his calls for entertainment. I agree to go on trips with him because I can’t get that request from Him. But I figure if he wants a mistress, then no more getting short changed, been there done that. He wants to tell me about your trips to Jamaica, Brazil, Columbia, Hawaii, LA for the Grammy’s, etc. then please know I’m not letting him off easy. If he asks me to go on a trip with him, then he should be paying for it, particularly since I am heading up a single-income household. In order for me to meet him in the middle of the week, I have to find a sitter, take off from work and fly out to where ever he is. That is no small feat. At any rate, he was upset about it and felt that I was trying to ALWAYS make him pay for everything. Not true, I paid for our very expensive night at a very nice hotel. And so what if I want him to pay for everything? HE told me that if I didn’t like the rules the man was putting out, then I should find a man’s whose rules I could live with. I may need to do that.