The Phone Session

I saw my counselor. Outside of journaling, in her presence is the only place I can tell my whole story without fear of judgement or being told what to do. I may not always like what she says, but in the end I know she’s right. She also has a way of verbalizing my feelings when I can’t.

She teared up when I explained to her what I had been going through since learning he was positive. She was yet another person in my life who did not believe he deserved anything from me, but she told me she knew my heart and she knew that I loved him. I’m glad she knew, because from hour to hour, day to day, I didn’t know how I felt. I was so very confused. As usual, we ended the session with her telling me to be gentle with me.

I left my counseling session and went to his house to support him in telling Tasarah the news. He was so sweet and different, it made me a little uncomfortable. I looked at him like he had two heads when he went to kiss me on my cheek. It was getting late, and it was a week night. I didn’t have time for games. I just wanted to get the conversation with her over so I could go back home.

He called her and left a message. By the time she called back I was getting ready to go. When he told her, she acted like she was shocked and stunned, but then she said the strangest thing. She said, “What if I’m positive and I gave it to you?” Huh? Why would she say that? And how are you 50 something and you don’t know your status? Well, he was 49 and he just found out his, so I guess folks just sleep around unprotected without getting checked. She also seemed really surprised when he told her that I was negative. She wanted to know how that was possible. Excuse me? I was the youngest one in the room and far from being an angel, but I get tested on the regular, even though for the past 3 years he was my ONLY partner. She asked more questions and we answered them as best we could. After we got off the phone with Tasarah, he told me that she works with the AIDS Drug Assistance Program (ADAP) in her current position. So my question was why did she seem so clueless?

As I got ready to leave, I expressed to him that he now has someone else he could talk to about what he’s going through. He became panicked and asked if I was saying I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. If I had had any kind of sense, I would have said that’s exactly what I meant, but instead I said no, I would still be there and I just meant he has one more person in his support circle.

I kept trying to leave, and he kept coming up with reasons to keep me there. He continued to tell me how much he cared for me and knew I was the one for him.

I asked, “So if I mean so much to you, why haven’t you told me this before? Why is it that now that you have this diagnosis I have all of sudden become so important to you?”

“I was already feeling this way,” he replied.

“Really? But you never expressed it until now. If it is true, your timing sucks. Can you not see how I might not be able to believe you right now? Your admission seems awfully self-serving.”

He didn’t understand. But I needed to get home and get ready for work the next day so I left without trying to explain any further or allowing him to hug me goodbye. I didn’t want to be touched, not by him, not at that moment.

Everything about Tasarah and that conversation didn’t sit well with me. In the following days she gave him a different story about when she was going to be tested each time they talked. After a few days, she finally told him she had tested negative. Of course, he took Tasarah at her word, but I was still skeptical. I needed proof.

VI

Good Lovin'

This is a #TBT from way back. Some of you who knew me from the other site will recognize this...

Have you ever had that good loving I mean really good loving that made you just want to shout, or hum or sing?

That kind of loving that made you want to tell everyone that you spoke to about it?

I've had that kind of loving

Everything was perfect from the layout of the room to the smell of his cologne

The way he touched my body sent walls crumbling and I could feel ME

The real me coming back to life after years of being hidden beneath LIFE and all that brings

The sensual, sexy, soft me

The adventurous me

The me that wants to please my partner just as much as I want to be pleased

We spent time caressing each other, massaging away whatever stressors we may have had on the other side of the door

Listening to each other breathe, head to chest, wrapped up in each other; Just breathing together

Taking it all in

Thinking, but not thinking

Then a hand brushes against a thigh, caresses a cheek, and our heartbeats increase

Lips seek out lips

Legs wrap around legs

Backs arch

Hips grind

Fingers tantalize

Words are whispered

Positions change

Breath is lost

Bodies tense

The time/space dimension is shattered

Bodies relax

Breathing slows

Legs wrap around legs

Lips seek out lips

A hand brushes against a thigh, caresses a cheek

The Day After

I went from being mad at him to being mad at me. I saw this coming and I stayed, fought to be in it.

Although it was a Saturday night, I decided to stay home because I just couldn’t bear being around other people. He also canceled his plans and came over because he didn’t want to be around anyone else, but didn’t want to be alone either. We watched a movie, discussed my test results and talked more about the women he had been with over the last several months. One in particular was familiar to me. I remembered him mentioning her name, Tsarah, a few years ago. She had called him while we were on our way home from a movie and he told her he was with me and would have to call her back. At the time he told me they were just friends. Now, he was telling me that she had moved here this past summer to be with him and when that didn’t work out and she couldn’t find a job, she moved back to PA. Apparently, she went to see him at his show during the weekend he met my brother. She was now among the names on the list that he had to provide to the clinic so that they could be contacted. I asked him if he would have told me about all of these excursions had he not tested positive. He said no. I was so mad my eyebrows started jumping involuntarily. I reminded him of the many arguments we had had in the past when I would ask him if and who he was sleeping with besides me and pointed out that situations like this are why it mattered. This shit comes back around and it affects not just him and me, but my family as well. I just wanted him to leave.

I refused his calls the next day. I didn’t have anything good or positive to say, and I really didn’t have the energy to hold a conversation. Through text he asked if I would still go to the clinic with him when he went back for his additional tests. I said yes. I needed to go. I needed to hear and see for myself that he had indeed tested positive. I was experiencing some sort of cognitive dissonance and it wouldn’t allow me to wrap my mind around the reality of the truth. What I would not agree to was him telling the other women himself with me on the phone supporting him. No sir! Let DIS handle that.

On Monday, I woke up mad and ready to cry, but I held it together until I dropped my daughters off at school. I came back home and went back to bed until he called to say he was on his way. When he got to my house, I asked him again if he had given me the names of everyone he had slept with; I didn’t want any more surprises. He gave me their names again. Some were familiar, some were not. I let him know that I was hurting and I would probably ask him the same questions over and over again and he would just have to deal with it. Some days might be good and some days I may want to ring his neck. Hell, my mood might swing from moment to moment because my emotions were all over the place, and he would just have to deal with it. He said he understood.

We left for the clinic. I was really hoping he could go somewhere I knew fewer people, but the other option was not accepting new patients. So we went where I had a working relationship and could possibly be noticed. I helped him complete the intake forms and agreed to be listed as his emergency contact. He asked whom should he say I was. I told him to put that I was his friend. (That would later be used against me.) I had helped to develop some of the forms used in the Atlanta Ryan White system. I wasn’t supposed to be filling them out.

In all these years, we never discussed in detail how much money we made, but there I was helping him sort through his check stubs and payments, social security number and all, to be able to accurately report his income. I also had his ID and proof of residence there in my hands. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have some devious thoughts to cross my mind holding on to this information.

While we were waiting to be called, I had him grab some of the free condoms, dental dams, and brochures the clinic had sitting out. He asked why. I told him for his future. When the nurse called his number he asked if I could go back with him, but she said no so I stayed in the waiting area while he completed more forms, answered more questions, had more blood drawn and tests done.

When he came out, he introduced me to the DIS who would be making the contacts. I informed her that I had tested negative over the weekend, but would be going back to be retested. As luck would have it, someone else who works at the clinic that I knew from my work walked by as we were talking and recognized me. She has never spoken to me, but at that moment she decided to come over and ask if I was ok and if I needed anything. I told her I was fine...nosy.

After the other staff person left, the DIS and I explained to him again that it would not be a good idea for him to make the contacts and that he should let her do that. She was very nice and patient and answered all of his questions and helped him set up his next appointment. She also encouraged him to go to counseling. He said he would think about it.

My intention for going to the clinic with him was really to help me process that this was real. I saw it. I met the staff person who was helping him, and yet I was still hoping that his results would come back negative, and that the first tests were false-positives. I know. Denial was alive and well. Good thing I was able to schedule a counseling appointment for myself for the next day.

V