Are We Fighting About This Again???

I really did plan to write something to the ladies today, but I need to address the men one more time. Men, those of you who are fathers, I am curios to know what is your definition of fatherhood? What does it mean to you to be a father to your child? Do you only look at the fun aspect, the going on outings, playing at home, watching movies, or do you think about fatherhood holistically?

Do you understand that being a parent isn’t just about throwing the baby up in the air and then handing him over to his mother? Do you understand that sometimes as a parent you have to sacrifice what you want in order to do what the baby/child needs? Do you understand that sometimes you have to make choices between your job or career and what’s best for child?

Being a parent means delivering and doing for another person even when there is no one there to cheer for you. Sometimes all you have is the silent, personal satisfaction of knowing that you did what you needed to do for your child. Sometimes all you have is the hug, kiss, smile, or adoration of a little person who loves you unconditionally, and at the end of the day that means so much more than any award you could ever receive.

Being a co-parent means working with your child’s mother by: being on time, providing enough notification when schedules change, showing up for your child’s functions, helping with homework, doing hair and just helping her to carry the load, whatever that means for your situation. Be an active parent in your child’s life, not just someone who’s there when it’s convenient or beneficial for you.

While I am directing this towards the men, I guess we women can take something from this as well. BEFORE you have a baby with someone, perhaps you should ask him what his idea of fatherhood really is. Trust me when I say, finding out after the fact can lead you disappointed and shouldering all of the responsibility by yourself.

Your Daddy Ain't Ish

This one is for all of the men out there. Hear me NOW. If you are friends, acquaintances, sleeping with and/or dating a woman who has a child(ren), it is NOT your place to tell that child her father ain’t ish, even if he is. You have absolutely NO right to insert yourself into that child’s relationship with her father and disrespect him (and by extension that child) by telling her that. If you are so concerned about her and the choices she is making, partly as a result of her dysfunctional father, then make it your business to show her what a real man is about by treating her and her mother with respect, provide a listening ear when she needs it, and provide the guidance that every child needs. Telling that child that her father ain’t ish will NOT help her. She already knows what her father isn’t doing, hasn’t done, and probably will never do. She lives with that pain every day. That is her reality.

While she may act out and think she’s grown, doing things that grown people do, she is still a child unable to handle adult issues. She doesn’t need another man telling her what her daddy ain’t. She needs someone showing her what a MAN is. She needs someone telling her that she is valued so that one day when that boy or older man steps to her with false promises of love and pipe dreams, she will walk the other way because she knows she’s worthy of better.

If it bothers you so much, angers you so much that her father ain’t ish, then why don’t you talk to your male friends and call them on their stupidity when they walk out on their responsibilities. If it angers you so much, then why don’t you become a mentor to other boys and girls who may also be from single-mother homes. If it angers you so much, then why don’t you stop sleeping with her mother for kicks and marry her and become a real example.

If you aren’t willing to do any of those things, then sit down and SHUT UP.

Helpful Resources:
http://www.manifestyourdestiny.org/
http://www.forrealsolutions.com/

The misAdventures of a Dating Single Mom

I agonized for about an hour over whether or not I would mail him the Valentine’s Day card. I wanted to redo what I had written. Would he think it was too much? Should I have put it in the back, so it was less busy? I thought it was light and in character with our relationship, but I didn’t know how he would take it? Did it look too juvenile? Maybe I should have picked a more sophisticated card. But that was exactly what I didn’t want, the mushy “you make me better/ complete me/ I love you” type of card. So why am I tripping over this card? Maybe because in the five years that we have known each other, I’ve never given him a card and he’s never given me one. We did just recently give each other gifts, another “new” aspect to this whole thing. Maybe I should just go back to the store and buy the same card and leave out the Nikki Giovanni poem? After thinking about it another few minutes, I flipped the card over and realized I had spent almost $5 on the card. What?!? Not the usual 99 cents. He would receive it as is. In the end, I was tripping for nothing. He sent me a message thanking me for the card in a way that only he could. The card was a fit after all. So why was I trippin’?