Reality Check

This weekend I had the privilege of supporting a loving couple through a long labor and wonderful birth. They were completely in sync with each other and quite without trying, the love radiated from them. Contrast that with my “relationship” with Mr. ED where most times I initiate the contact, we haven’t had a date since our first date almost 5 months ago, and he only seems to want to be in constant contact when he wants to screw, any other time he has no problem ignoring my calls. Add a little sleep deprivation and you have my mood now, frustrated and sullen. Seeing a functional couple highlighted my dysfunctional relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I like my free-spirited, friendship where sex happens to be one of the perks, but it falls short of what I want in my life. I love sex, but I am more than that. I want someone who is understanding enough to love me in spite of. I want someone who is mature enough and secure enough to be the man, be the aggressor in our relationship. I want so badly to be able to take a back seat and not always have to be the one driving the relationship. I don’t know if I will ever find happiness within the confines of a relationship, but I sure hope that I will.

A Workout without A Workout?

For at least the last year and a half I have been saying that I was going to do more to get in shape. I tried belly dance class (which I loved) for 6 months, but had to quit when football season rolled around I had to take my son to practice/games 4 times out of the week. As much as I loved belly dance, it didn’t work on my most troublesome spot, my stomach. (I know, it was a shock to me too, but really belly dance movements work out your thighs and arms more than anything else.) So I said I would do the core exercises I knew at home and throw some other routines in there to round it out and hopefully plump up my derrière. That lasted all of a week or two. Then I said I would walk around the park while at football practice, but most times I end up working on homework with my other children or sitting down reading a book or talking to the other parents.

Now, I see that Sketchers has these “Shape Ups” shoes that are suppose to do all of the things I want- work on the core muscles, burn calories, shape up the legs/buttocks- just by wearing them. I have been reading the different customer reviews on them and it sounds like people are really happy with them. I’m pretty tight with my money so I’m going to have to get over the price tag ($110-$120) and get me a pair. I walk at work (from the shuttle stop to my office and back, 10 minutes each way) and, who knows this may be the encouragement that I need to walk during football practice.

I know, I know, some of my friends have made comments about my weight/small frame and can’t understand my angst. But here’s the deal, 1) I come from a family racked with medical issues, both of my parents died at the age of 53, my mother from heart disease, my father from kidney disease; I know I have to do better so that I can live longer. 2) I see my stomach every day and know that it is not bikini material and I would like to be able to wear one, comfortably, next summer. 3) Last, but not least, I want a firmer behind that stands up and can be noticed like Serena Williams’. Now, I know it will never be quite that perfect, but if I can get somewhere in line with hers I will be happy.

I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

The misAdventures of a Dating Single Mom, Part III

It ended where it began, Arizona’s. The last nail in the coffin came a few days before when I saw New Guy at the school and the best he could do was wave at me as I was driving off. I sent him a text letting him know that I didn’t appreciate that. Of course, he tried to come back with something about me making more out of it than it really was, but I told him that I was starting to notice a pattern and I didn’t like the picture that was being painted. He got frustrated and didn’t want to speak any more. Later, I texted him and asked exactly what his intentions were regarding me. He didn’t respond until a day later and when he did he said he couldn’t understand the question. (I have since learned that apparently other men read that question a lot differently than I had intended.) I clarified that I wanted to know, which was his interest level was in our relationship. He told me that was putting the horse before the cart and he just wanted me to stop being spoiled. Spoiled? Horse before the cart? Funny, that was never a consideration when he was trying to sleep with me. We went back and forth with a few more text messages and then I finally just said see ya! He came back with some text about me needing to look deep within so that I can be honest and real. Excuse me? I’m not sure what it is he thinks I haven’t been honest or real about, but I was quite honest with him and that is why I let him know that I thought he was a nice guy, just not the nice guy for me. That was then…

Fast forward to Friday night: I’m at the restaurant enjoying the band when I notice New Guy walk through the door. He claims he didn’t see me, but not 10 seconds after he arrived I received a text from him stating that he had been thinking about me all day. Really? I politely deleted his text without a response. A few minutes later I was trying to make my way to the door and had to walk past him and his friends. In retrospect, his facial expression did carry a look of surprise, so maybe he didn’t know I was there. I walked by with nothing more than an “excuse me”. He just looked at me with his mouth gaping open. Now begins the onslaught of texts. He couldn’t believe I would walk past him and not say anything. I told him to stop being spoiled. He continues to send his messages; I continue to delete them unanswered. Eventually, he drinks up enough courage to come over and speak to me face to face. We exchange a few words and I walk away to go speak to someone else. When I decide to leave, he begins begging me to meet him somewhere afterwards. I’m not having it and tell him as much.

His actions on Friday only reconfirmed for me that I was about sex to him. Why else are you texting me at 10pm at night, and you’re out drinking, talking about you’ve been thinking about me all day. That was supposed to be the beginning of the set up but I ruined his plans by being present and having a brain. I am so tired of being nothing than more than a piece of ass for some man to “tap”. I love sex, and I am a sexual person, but I’m really tired of people mistaking my openness and honesty for stupidity. I would really like to get into a man’s head literally. I would like to know if they have a conscience or care about how what they do affects the other person. I can’t tell that many of them do.

At any rate, I feel like I passed a test. I was able to decipher the signs, check my feelings and act. A few years ago it would not have been that easy and I would have been typing this two-five years from now. Oh well, time not wasted is time saved.

The misAdventures of a Dating Single Mom, Part II

I met someone about a month ago. It wasn’t through Match. That turned out to be a waste of money, maybe. I still go online and check my matches and see who has viewed my page, but I’m guessing that they are weeding themselves out by not trying to contact me and I’m ok with that.

But back to New Guy. He approached me at my favorite hang out just as I was about to leave. He was very sweet and we hit it off immediately. After that night, we had a bit of a rocky start, miscommunication, dates with friends, etc. But once we got our grove, it was good. We were on the phone like we were teenagers in high school, talking into the late hours of the night and the conversations didn’t even revolve around sex. That’s not to say we didn’t have a couple of sessions, we did, but we had so many other things to talk about. It was great. I didn’t realize how much I missed that part of a relationship, the connection outside of the sex. It looked like everything was headed in the right direction and then…

I found myself wanting to be around this man as much as I possibly could and we were making time for each other, a sneak out after the kids’ bedtime or before we had to pick them up from school. Yes, he’s a single father too so I thought we would be a perfect match, and then…

Once again, communication and timing got in our way. I had a dinner date with a friend and was going to meet him afterwards. I called him after I left the restaurant to find out what was what. He was in the process of dropping his son off where he was going to be for the night and he was going to call me back. Well, when he finally called he was on his way to the place where we met and I was at home. It was dark and raining and I didn’t want to drive any more. I had hoped for a night in, but he clearly had other plans. When he called me the second time it was late and I had apparently fallen asleep in my clothes. I had to decline his invitation to come out and meet him. The next morning he called me all hot and bothered and we had a great session, so much so I decided to get up, shower and go over to his place. I was hoping for an in person morning session. It didn’t go quite the way I hoped. He had some performance issues, but I didn’t care. I enjoyed spending the time with him. I told him next time I would come prepared with my tools to help him.

Fast forward to this past weekend. Throughout the week, I had been letting him know out right how much I wanted him and how I was feeling about him. He said we could see each other Friday, but then nothing. We spoke, but he never mentioned us getting together that night, but said he would clear his schedule for me for Saturday. I had told him I would be cooking this weekend and he wanted a taste so I made enough for him and his son. I have not cooked for anyone outside of my family and close friends in several years, so the fact that I was doing this was a big deal to me.

Apparently, I didn’t translate that to him because once again he didn’t secure babysitting and my plans were dashed. By the end of the night I couldn’t hide my disappointment. I told him that since he couldn’t stay long at my house when he came over for dinner, I would bring dessert to him. When I called to let him know I was on my way, he informed me that his son was asleep in his bed and so we would have to hang out downstairs. I was not a happy camper. I know it should be about the time spent, but I had plans. We ended up sitting in silence and only speaking to each other intermittently. Eventually, I just asked him to walk me to the door and I left.

He wants me to be understanding of his situation and be “even” when things don’t work out and understand that we’ve only known each other a month so it’s going to be a process getting to know each other. I understand all of that with the exception of being “even”. Am I not suppose to get upset when he walks in front of me at the school and treats me like I’m just any other parent there? Am I not supposed to get upset when we agree to see each other and he waits until the last minute to get a sitter? Am I not supposed to get upset when it seems like I am going forward while he is going backward? What am I suppose to do in those situations. I am the woman and I want to be pursued! I don’t want to always be the one going after him.

I know what it’s like to have to look for babysitting. I don’t have to do it as often, but I do have my moments. But if it’s something that’s important to me, I start looking early to increase my chances of it working out instead of just hoping it will work out on its own. I don’t know if this is how he runs his business or if this is part of what we single parents do, the “hiding behind our children syndrome”, but I’m not a very patient person and once my frustration really sets in, there’s no turning back.

I won’t be giving up my Match subscription any time soon, that’s for sure.

He Released Me When I Didn’t Have Sense Enough To Release Myself

It’s been six years now since we first met and while it didn’t end quite the way I had hoped, it has come to an end. We have seen each other through engagements, a baby (not his), and a whole lot of drama of all levels. It’s been something else. I can’t say it was all bad, more like a teachable moment. All those little things that he would do or not do, say or not say that felt a little prickly to me, that hurt my feelings or made me feel bad about myself I should not have ignored or wrote off or allowed him to convince me that I was just being “sensitive”. My feelings, while not his feelings, still mattered. He took great to look after everyone else’s feelings, but mine somehow didn’t matter as much. I guess because I was in that group he would sleep with, but never date. I tried to convince myself that I was cool with that, and in the beginning I probably was, or just distracted. Lord knows, I had enough going on outside of him to keep me off focus.

But now, now I’m focused and thinking and feeling with clarity. Those little prickly feelings could no longer be ignored. I could no longer ignore the slights or disrespectful words or gestures or nongestures. So I began to speak up for myself. I had discovered what it was that I wanted and in doing so I had found my voice, yet I still couldn’t break completely free. So he did it for me. Oh, I was pissed at first. I always wanted to be the one to walk away on my own terms. Yes, I always knew there would be an end; I just wanted it to be my end, my way. But I got over the hurt feelings once I realized that it really was for the best. While he may have had his own selfish reasons for doing it the way it did it, a clean break for us is the best way to go. Discussions always led us back into each other. So now, I’m free. And if I’ve really learned anything, I won’t repeat this particular situation again. Most of all I will never again put me to the side for the gratification of someone else. I’m grateful for relationship and the growth and now the release. It is received in love whether it was intended that way or not. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Love Expression – Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I have been having ongoing discussions with my sisters and sisterfriends about love and how men express their love. (That’s what reading Steve Harvey’s book will get you.) I seem to be in the minority with my friends/sisters in that I am not as hung up on the man saying “I love you” as much as I am with him showing his love for me in various ways, conversely, they would like to hear the words. This may all have to do with one’s perspective and experiences. I have had all too many a man tell me he loved me and profess his undying love for me, yet his actions didn’t quite add up to that love he kept telling me he felt for me. Therefore, I would prefer the action over the words. That’s not to say I wouldn’t want my man to tell me he loves me, of course I would, but I also want all that comes with loving someone. I want the honesty, the communication, the commitment, the protection, the gifts, and I want someone who will provide for me. I want all of it. Someone once told me that I couldn’t have everything. I believe that with the right man, I can have everything and then some.

Still Relevant

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Dating Help Is On the Way

Last week I finally ordered Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man. I’ve been counting down the days until its arrival, checking my front step every time I leave or come home. Then this morning as I was driving off to go to work I took one last glance over my shoulder. Wait, there’s something there. The little brown box with the crooked smile had finally arrived! I stopped the car, put it in reverse and backed up to my drive way. I almost jumped out of the car without putting it in reverse. I was so happy. It felt like Christmas morning to me. I ran over and picked up my box and jumped back in the car. I immediately pulled out my office keys and used them to cut the tape on the box. Ahhh, there it was my very own copy of THE book.

I’ve been listening to the show and absolutely love the Strawberry Letter segment, so much so that I’ve written in twice, once about Mr. California and once about Him. I haven’t heard it read on the show yet, but that’s ok. I have my book with the answers waiting to jump off the page at me. I usually reserve my time on the shuttle for napping, but this morning I started reading my book. Before I knew it I was already at work, but not before I gained some serious insight and I’m only on page 25! I can’t wait to read on and see the mysteries of men and relationships open up to me page after page after page.

Exodus

For some reason it finally occurred to me tonight that I am the only one keeping me hostage. I can walk away from the sometimes toxic, sometimes draining, sometimes sometimey relationships in my life at any moment. But why is it so hard? I don’t know why it has to get to a point of hatred before I can do that. It shouldn’t have to be that way. Is this what the phrase “Loyal to a Fault” means? In this case, or cases, I can’t really say that it’s about loyalty.

It’s about the lure, the sexual satisfaction I receive when I’m with him or Him. While they are sexually gratifying, they leave me so very unfulfilled emotionally. Maybe I’m just being lazy. It’s easier to just fall back on what’s there then to actually try to meet someone new and get to know them and trust them enough to go there.

So then the question comes back to me: Do I want to liberated or do I want what’s familiar? I guess I need to make the best decision for me.

Play by the Rules or Else

I’m sick of playing by someone else’s rules. He dictates who initiates, when we will see each other, where we sill see each other, and I keep going along with it. I thought I had finally found the out I had been wanting and a week later I’m back to asking to see him. It’s like the addict and the drug. You want so badly to be done with it, but then you think about how good you feel for that moment, and forget about how low you feel once the moment has passed.

Mr. California doesn’t have that same draw for me. I can go for months without talking to him and not even miss him. I answer his calls for entertainment. I agree to go on trips with him because I can’t get that request from Him. But I figure if he wants a mistress, then no more getting short changed, been there done that. He wants to tell me about your trips to Jamaica, Brazil, Columbia, Hawaii, LA for the Grammy’s, etc. then please know I’m not letting him off easy. If he asks me to go on a trip with him, then he should be paying for it, particularly since I am heading up a single-income household. In order for me to meet him in the middle of the week, I have to find a sitter, take off from work and fly out to where ever he is. That is no small feat. At any rate, he was upset about it and felt that I was trying to ALWAYS make him pay for everything. Not true, I paid for our very expensive night at a very nice hotel. And so what if I want him to pay for everything? HE told me that if I didn’t like the rules the man was putting out, then I should find a man’s whose rules I could live with. I may need to do that.

Are We Fighting About This Again???

I really did plan to write something to the ladies today, but I need to address the men one more time. Men, those of you who are fathers, I am curios to know what is your definition of fatherhood? What does it mean to you to be a father to your child? Do you only look at the fun aspect, the going on outings, playing at home, watching movies, or do you think about fatherhood holistically?

Do you understand that being a parent isn’t just about throwing the baby up in the air and then handing him over to his mother? Do you understand that sometimes as a parent you have to sacrifice what you want in order to do what the baby/child needs? Do you understand that sometimes you have to make choices between your job or career and what’s best for child?

Being a parent means delivering and doing for another person even when there is no one there to cheer for you. Sometimes all you have is the silent, personal satisfaction of knowing that you did what you needed to do for your child. Sometimes all you have is the hug, kiss, smile, or adoration of a little person who loves you unconditionally, and at the end of the day that means so much more than any award you could ever receive.

Being a co-parent means working with your child’s mother by: being on time, providing enough notification when schedules change, showing up for your child’s functions, helping with homework, doing hair and just helping her to carry the load, whatever that means for your situation. Be an active parent in your child’s life, not just someone who’s there when it’s convenient or beneficial for you.

While I am directing this towards the men, I guess we women can take something from this as well. BEFORE you have a baby with someone, perhaps you should ask him what his idea of fatherhood really is. Trust me when I say, finding out after the fact can lead you disappointed and shouldering all of the responsibility by yourself.

Your Daddy Ain't Ish

This one is for all of the men out there. Hear me NOW. If you are friends, acquaintances, sleeping with and/or dating a woman who has a child(ren), it is NOT your place to tell that child her father ain’t ish, even if he is. You have absolutely NO right to insert yourself into that child’s relationship with her father and disrespect him (and by extension that child) by telling her that. If you are so concerned about her and the choices she is making, partly as a result of her dysfunctional father, then make it your business to show her what a real man is about by treating her and her mother with respect, provide a listening ear when she needs it, and provide the guidance that every child needs. Telling that child that her father ain’t ish will NOT help her. She already knows what her father isn’t doing, hasn’t done, and probably will never do. She lives with that pain every day. That is her reality.

While she may act out and think she’s grown, doing things that grown people do, she is still a child unable to handle adult issues. She doesn’t need another man telling her what her daddy ain’t. She needs someone showing her what a MAN is. She needs someone telling her that she is valued so that one day when that boy or older man steps to her with false promises of love and pipe dreams, she will walk the other way because she knows she’s worthy of better.

If it bothers you so much, angers you so much that her father ain’t ish, then why don’t you talk to your male friends and call them on their stupidity when they walk out on their responsibilities. If it angers you so much, then why don’t you become a mentor to other boys and girls who may also be from single-mother homes. If it angers you so much, then why don’t you stop sleeping with her mother for kicks and marry her and become a real example.

If you aren’t willing to do any of those things, then sit down and SHUT UP.

Helpful Resources:
http://www.manifestyourdestiny.org/
http://www.forrealsolutions.com/

The misAdventures of a Dating Single Mom

I agonized for about an hour over whether or not I would mail him the Valentine’s Day card. I wanted to redo what I had written. Would he think it was too much? Should I have put it in the back, so it was less busy? I thought it was light and in character with our relationship, but I didn’t know how he would take it? Did it look too juvenile? Maybe I should have picked a more sophisticated card. But that was exactly what I didn’t want, the mushy “you make me better/ complete me/ I love you” type of card. So why am I tripping over this card? Maybe because in the five years that we have known each other, I’ve never given him a card and he’s never given me one. We did just recently give each other gifts, another “new” aspect to this whole thing. Maybe I should just go back to the store and buy the same card and leave out the Nikki Giovanni poem? After thinking about it another few minutes, I flipped the card over and realized I had spent almost $5 on the card. What?!? Not the usual 99 cents. He would receive it as is. In the end, I was tripping for nothing. He sent me a message thanking me for the card in a way that only he could. The card was a fit after all. So why was I trippin’?

Sea Grapes = Georgia Bullets

I'm originally from Carol City (Dade County) Miami, FL. You know it by all of those names. Anywho, back in the day we had a lemon tree in our yard so if we wanted lemonaide, we just walked out to the back yard and picked the lemons. My aunt had a mango tree and a kumquat bush. If we wanted mango, we climbed the tree and picked them. I didn't really care for the taste of kumquats, too sour. And then there was the woman across the street from my aunt. She had a sea grape tree. I absolutely loved eating these tasty delights right off the tree. She would let us come over with our bowls and pick as many as we could handle. I've been able to find every kind of other fruit in the grocery store, except sea grapes. I must admit, I absolutely hate paying for fruit I once was able to get for free, but I'm no longer in the land of abundance.

I was with my family over the holiday and we started talking about sea grapes. Well, as it turns out the younger generation know them as Georgia Bullets. What a wierd name for such a fruit. Apparently, they are sold at corner stores and make shift stands in Miami as Georgia Bullets. Funny, I've never seen them in Georgia under either name. If anyone knows where I can find sea grapes, please let me know in the comments. I would forever be in your debt.