For my part, I discovered I really didn’t like being called all day every day. Give me some time to miss you! He didn’t really watch the news, so I couldn’t discuss politics or world events with him. He spent most of his time alone, with his mom, or talking with his best friend. And his days revolved around his TV shows, unless he had a performance. The conversation was getting stale, and I got quiet. He felt I wanted him to entertain me, but really I was just bored. Somehow over the years I had missed that his topics of conversation mostly revolved around 5 things: cheating, women and our faults, his motorcycle, music, and his health. He was taking his blood pressure and temperature every hour since his diagnosis and asking what I thought any slight change might mean. Although, I am not a doctor, but work in public health research, he has always called me to get my opinion on any and everything that he thought could be an issue. It was starting to annoy me.
I spent Christmas with my children and he spent Christmas with his mother all the while continuing his streak of excessive calling. “If you’re going to call this much, you might as well come over,” I told him. But he didn’t and I went on to enjoy my time with my children. And then one by one they left me to finish out their holiday break with friends or family. I had been asking for some alone time but I never like being without my children during the holidays, but I was just going to have to make the best of it.
He invited me to his New Year’s Eve gig. I almost didn't go because of a mix up with my oldest daughter’s plans. He called his mother and his sister to find out if one of them could watch her because he wanted his kiss at midnight. They both agreed, but my daughter was not too interested in spending NYE with strangers and so made other plans to hang out with one of her friends.
After attending church services with my daughter, I met up with a girlfriend and brought her along to keep me company while he played. She and I sat at the bar and made fast friends with the couple next to us. We ate and had drinks while we watched the 20-something crowd circulate through the lobby of the hotel on their way to the club. Oh the days, of clubbing. Now, I was the ‘older woman’ wondering where that child was going in that dress or how long that girl expected to stay in those shoes. When did I become the older chic at the bar passing judgement?
In between sets we took group pictures and ‘couple’s pictures’. He and I snuck away from prying eyes to have a little alone time before they went back on. They played until the countdown to midnight; “10, 9. 8. 7, 6...,” everyone yelled in unison. He motioned for me to come over and as the clock struck midnight we kissed. Such the cliché, but I was hoping that maybe it could be the beginning of a new chapter together. Soon after, my girlfriend and I left. I texted him to let him know I had made it home and he called me later once he was home. I didn’t realize how sleepy I was and ended up falling asleep on him while on the phone.
On New Year’s Day I cooked the traditional meal: fish, greens, black eyed peas. He was late arriving, which pissed me off since in the process of trying to keep the food warm the fish got over cooked. I am a woman serious about my craft and I do not like serving an unworthy dish. When I opened the door, he brought in his guitar and a bag big enough to hold his whole house. He ate up my food like it was the best thing ever so I didn’t worry too much about the overcooked fish. Afterward, we went to the store and when we returned, I cleaned up the kitchen, he took out the trash and we settled in for a night of movies. Then around 1am, he abruptly decided he needed to go home.
“What? This was supposed to be our time together and your first night staying over here.” I said.
“I know, but you know I’m just not that comfortable staying at someone else’s house.” He said.
“Really? Well, I’ve told you I’m not all that thrilled about being at your house in the cigar smoke sharing space with the inches of dust all over everything, but I did it anyway. And we discussed this! If you weren’t staying why did you bring all this stuff? Why did you have me drive you to the store because you forgot your toothbrush?”
“Because I wanted to be comfortable while I was here. And I needed to brush my teeth after I ate, just in case.”
"Just in case what?" I asked. I walked over and opened the door for him to leave. “Good bye.”
He walked over and grabbed my waist, “Don’t be like that. I’ll call you when I get home.”
I started attending the CLEAR (Choosing Life: Empowerment! Action! Results!) counseling sessions the HIV counselor had recommended for me. I was hoping it would help me to understand the choices I had made in the past and present, so that I could make better choices in the future. We discussed the pros and cons of my relationship. The counselor suggested I write them down and have a conversation with him about what I wrote, as well as about this hypothetical situation of two separate households. The counselor also suggested I really think about what I wanted in a partner and a relationship and whether or not that was what I was getting.
I went home and wrote out my lists. I started with what I wanted in a relationship. I had plenty to write about. Then I wrote out the cons of our relationship. Again, I had plenty to write about it, but when I got to the pros I had less than 10 things on the list. I left the door open for me to come back and write more. After all, I wanted to be fair.
VIII
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