The Results

It was after 6am when he and I finally got off the phone. I tried to sleep, but couldn’t so at 8am I got up and called my big sis and told her about my night. She was upset. She never liked him for me anyway, but she also asked if she needed to call a bondsman. I told her no, no one got hurt. My sister didn’t believe me, but I assured her I had been on my best behavior. She helped me look online for somewhere I could get tested on a Saturday. I called a couple of sites to verify that they were open. When I found one that was, I got dressed to leave. It was 9am.

It felt odd being on the other side of the table answering the risk questions. I ask almost identical questions of the participants that I interview on a daily basis. I knew I had tested negative at my annual visit a few months ago, but my responses looked bad. Even I had to shake my head.

The counselor took me to the testing room and pricked my finger. We would know the results in a few short minutes. Of course, it didn’t seem so short to me, but the counselor did his best to keep things upbeat.

He brought me back to the counseling room and asked how I thought I had done. I didn’t know. I just wanted the results so I could stop holding my breath. He told me that I was negative and showed me the test to prove it. He told me that they don’t normally do that, but because we were both pretty sure I would be positive, he wanted me to see the proof. To say I felt relieved is an understatement. Before I left, he advised that because my last sexual encounter had only been a week before the test I would need to get retested in 3 months. He also said it would not be a bad idea to get tested monthly during that time, just to be safe and to know as soon as possible if there was a change in my status. He then asked if I would like to attend counseling sessions for people at high risk for HIV infection. I said sure and left with the flyer. I probably would have agreed to anything in that moment to be honest.

On my drive home, I called my sister to let her know the results and then called a friend. E and I have our arguments and see the world very differently, but when it comes to particular things we absolutely get each other and I knew this would be something he could handle. He’s also been there from day one, so he already knew the history of my relationship. I did ask him not to come with his “I told you so’s”. He asked some questions, but he mostly just listened.

When I got back home, the reality of the situation started to sink in and the tears started rolling. I was thankful that my children weren’t at home. I found myself in bed, eating Coconut Dream cookies in between crying and staring at the game on TV.
The person I was dating cheated. He tested positive for HIV. I could still test positive for HIV. If I do, how will my life change? What will I tell my children? Will I tell my friends, family, co-workers or none at all? What will happen with our relationship? Did I really mean it when I said I had his back, or was that just a knee-jerk reaction? For six years I have shown up for this guy and for six years he has been a selfish asshole. Why should I continue to show up for him?

So many questions. So many tears.

IV