Although it was a Saturday night, I decided to stay home because I just couldn’t bear being around other people. He also canceled his plans and came over because he didn’t want to be around anyone else, but didn’t want to be alone either. We watched a movie, discussed my test results and talked more about the women he had been with over the last several months. One in particular was familiar to me. I remembered him mentioning her name, Tsarah, a few years ago. She had called him while we were on our way home from a movie and he told her he was with me and would have to call her back. At the time he told me they were just friends. Now, he was telling me that she had moved here this past summer to be with him and when that didn’t work out and she couldn’t find a job, she moved back to PA. Apparently, she went to see him at his show during the weekend he met my brother. She was now among the names on the list that he had to provide to the clinic so that they could be contacted. I asked him if he would have told me about all of these excursions had he not tested positive. He said no. I was so mad my eyebrows started jumping involuntarily. I reminded him of the many arguments we had had in the past when I would ask him if and who he was sleeping with besides me and pointed out that situations like this are why it mattered. This shit comes back around and it affects not just him and me, but my family as well. I just wanted him to leave.
I refused his calls the next day. I didn’t have anything good or positive to say, and I really didn’t have the energy to hold a conversation. Through text he asked if I would still go to the clinic with him when he went back for his additional tests. I said yes. I needed to go. I needed to hear and see for myself that he had indeed tested positive. I was experiencing some sort of cognitive dissonance and it wouldn’t allow me to wrap my mind around the reality of the truth. What I would not agree to was him telling the other women himself with me on the phone supporting him. No sir! Let DIS handle that.
On Monday, I woke up mad and ready to cry, but I held it together until I dropped my daughters off at school. I came back home and went back to bed until he called to say he was on his way. When he got to my house, I asked him again if he had given me the names of everyone he had slept with; I didn’t want any more surprises. He gave me their names again. Some were familiar, some were not. I let him know that I was hurting and I would probably ask him the same questions over and over again and he would just have to deal with it. Some days might be good and some days I may want to ring his neck. Hell, my mood might swing from moment to moment because my emotions were all over the place, and he would just have to deal with it. He said he understood.
We left for the clinic. I was really hoping he could go somewhere I knew fewer people, but the other option was not accepting new patients. So we went where I had a working relationship and could possibly be noticed. I helped him complete the intake forms and agreed to be listed as his emergency contact. He asked whom should he say I was. I told him to put that I was his friend. (That would later be used against me.) I had helped to develop some of the forms used in the Atlanta Ryan White system. I wasn’t supposed to be filling them out.
In all these years, we never discussed in detail how much money we made, but there I was helping him sort through his check stubs and payments, social security number and all, to be able to accurately report his income. I also had his ID and proof of residence there in my hands. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have some devious thoughts to cross my mind holding on to this information.
While we were waiting to be called, I had him grab some of the free condoms, dental dams, and brochures the clinic had sitting out. He asked why. I told him for his future. When the nurse called his number he asked if I could go back with him, but she said no so I stayed in the waiting area while he completed more forms, answered more questions, had more blood drawn and tests done.
When he came out, he introduced me to the DIS who would be making the contacts. I informed her that I had tested negative over the weekend, but would be going back to be retested. As luck would have it, someone else who works at the clinic that I knew from my work walked by as we were talking and recognized me. She has never spoken to me, but at that moment she decided to come over and ask if I was ok and if I needed anything. I told her I was fine...nosy.
After the other staff person left, the DIS and I explained to him again that it would not be a good idea for him to make the contacts and that he should let her do that. She was very nice and patient and answered all of his questions and helped him set up his next appointment. She also encouraged him to go to counseling. He said he would think about it.
My intention for going to the clinic with him was really to help me process that this was real. I saw it. I met the staff person who was helping him, and yet I was still hoping that his results would come back negative, and that the first tests were false-positives. I know. Denial was alive and well. Good thing I was able to schedule a counseling appointment for myself for the next day.
V
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