She teared up when I explained to her what I had been going through since learning he was positive. She was yet another person in my life who did not believe he deserved anything from me, but she told me she knew my heart and she knew that I loved him. I’m glad she knew, because from hour to hour, day to day, I didn’t know how I felt. I was so very confused. As usual, we ended the session with her telling me to be gentle with me.
I left my counseling session and went to his house to support him in telling Tasarah the news. He was so sweet and different, it made me a little uncomfortable. I looked at him like he had two heads when he went to kiss me on my cheek. It was getting late, and it was a week night. I didn’t have time for games. I just wanted to get the conversation with her over so I could go back home.
He called her and left a message. By the time she called back I was getting ready to go. When he told her, she acted like she was shocked and stunned, but then she said the strangest thing. She said, “What if I’m positive and I gave it to you?” Huh? Why would she say that? And how are you 50 something and you don’t know your status? Well, he was 49 and he just found out his, so I guess folks just sleep around unprotected without getting checked. She also seemed really surprised when he told her that I was negative. She wanted to know how that was possible. Excuse me? I was the youngest one in the room and far from being an angel, but I get tested on the regular, even though for the past 3 years he was my ONLY partner. She asked more questions and we answered them as best we could. After we got off the phone with Tasarah, he told me that she works with the AIDS Drug Assistance Program (ADAP) in her current position. So my question was why did she seem so clueless?
As I got ready to leave, I expressed to him that he now has someone else he could talk to about what he’s going through. He became panicked and asked if I was saying I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. If I had had any kind of sense, I would have said that’s exactly what I meant, but instead I said no, I would still be there and I just meant he has one more person in his support circle.
I kept trying to leave, and he kept coming up with reasons to keep me there. He continued to tell me how much he cared for me and knew I was the one for him.
I asked, “So if I mean so much to you, why haven’t you told me this before? Why is it that now that you have this diagnosis I have all of sudden become so important to you?”
“I was already feeling this way,” he replied.
“Really? But you never expressed it until now. If it is true, your timing sucks. Can you not see how I might not be able to believe you right now? Your admission seems awfully self-serving.”
He didn’t understand. But I needed to get home and get ready for work the next day so I left without trying to explain any further or allowing him to hug me goodbye. I didn’t want to be touched, not by him, not at that moment.
Everything about Tasarah and that conversation didn’t sit well with me. In the following days she gave him a different story about when she was going to be tested each time they talked. After a few days, she finally told him she had tested negative. Of course, he took Tasarah at her word, but I was still skeptical. I needed proof.
VI
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