Exodus

For some reason it finally occurred to me tonight that I am the only one keeping me hostage. I can walk away from the sometimes toxic, sometimes draining, sometimes sometimey relationships in my life at any moment. But why is it so hard? I don’t know why it has to get to a point of hatred before I can do that. It shouldn’t have to be that way. Is this what the phrase “Loyal to a Fault” means? In this case, or cases, I can’t really say that it’s about loyalty.

It’s about the lure, the sexual satisfaction I receive when I’m with him or Him. While they are sexually gratifying, they leave me so very unfulfilled emotionally. Maybe I’m just being lazy. It’s easier to just fall back on what’s there then to actually try to meet someone new and get to know them and trust them enough to go there.

So then the question comes back to me: Do I want to liberated or do I want what’s familiar? I guess I need to make the best decision for me.