So BD came over this weekend so we could discuss what transpired last weekend. OK. I tried really hard to check myself before he got there. I put the “evil bitch” in my pocket, but it wasn’t long before she took over. (That damn purple people eater.) It seems like the more I talk to him, the more I’m confused by him. When we first met all he could talk about was family and how involved he was with his and how much he wanted a family. I’m not sure he understands what that is. When I told him that his mother had asked why I wasn’t attending the reunion even when he didn’t have sense enough to invite me, his reply was that his mother had no place to invite me because she too was a guest. WTF I had to let him know that given his reasoning, then he too should be considered a “guest”. He tried to clean it up and give his explanations, (something about his wife being there, the family happy to see her surprised to see Ayan had returned, extra surprised that they were there together, fukkers) but I had to cut him short and let him know that I was more upset about being shoved aside and him not having this conversation with me before now, before last Friday.
Funny how once you break shit down for muffukkers, it takes the steam out of their argument. There was actually a moment when we were both on the same page. Eureka! By George I think he's got it!
And then he begins to speak some more.
Apparently, he corrected his wife and sister because he thought they hadn’t spoken to me when I came into the house on Saturday. (They had, but he missed it…I knew something was up when his sis came back to speak.) Well, Wifey didn’t appreciate that, particularly since she felt I needed some correcting of my own. You see, it seems that they “both” consider the house to still be her home except that when she comes to visit she doesn’t roam, she stays in whatever room he is lounging in at the time. I didn’t do that Saturday and neither did my kids. We are so comfortable being there that we just go where ever without asking permission. But it really pissed her off that we just walked in without ringing the doorbell. (Now whether my kids rang the doorbell or not I really can’t say as I am usually the last one to hit the door because I’m always stuck getting the junk out of the car.) He says he told her that the kids are use to coming in and out as they please and that she was being petty. (Yeah, right.) He tried to attribute it to “women being territorial”. I was disgusted.
I’ve been here before, but I just couldn’t place it. My feelings being overlooked, another person’s being justified where have I felt this before…
The conversation switched to him talking about all of us getting along especially in light of the fact that they have talked about getting back together and he knows she wants to come home, but she’s hesitant for a lot of reasons. (Why does he always speak in terms of what the other person wants? What about what he wants? Is he afraid of hurting my feelings? Is he trying to leave the door open as a just in case? Stop being so passive-aggressive negro and say what you want...Hmmm, I'm not bothered by them getting back together. I guess that's progress.)
He’s rambling about his stepmother and her foolishness. (What does that have to do with us, unless you think one of us will respond to the situation like that?) He’s trying to use that situation to explain why he was uncomfortable with me being around last weekend. Ok, I have to break it down for him again. First of all, I didn’t ask for an invitation to their marriage, I was thrown into it. Second, his family is going to follow his lead and if he treats me like an outsider that’s how they are going to treat me. And last, if I go, my baby goes. He didn’t plant his seed in the ground and she didn’t spring up from the earth. She has a mother and one who refuses to sit in the background and pretend not to exist. I’m more than willing to make this as comfortable a situation as possible. (Anybody seen She Hate Me, I can get with that, but it takes a special man to make it work.) And all of that aside, with me and my friends, their house is my house and my house is their house. We don’t “ask permission” to walk around, and if you did, that would be an insult.
Now my faithful four, (I don’t know, there could be more of you that read this blog, but only 4 that comment) I need your comments. As I was sitting on my high horse and watching “Diary of a Mad Black Woman”, getting angry at how the “other woman” just came in like she was at home, the thought occurred to me, Is that how I was acting on Saturday? I didn’t think so, but maybe she perceived it to be that way. I don’t know, but I agreed to temper my movements whenever she was around (as I was thinking I just won’t come back over to your friggin house. I got my own place to roam, dammit!). But does she have something there?
My other issue is this whole thing of being “just friends”. I thought we had been working on that these last five months (after I got over my feelings of wanting to hurt him). He’s not sure, again. We have always had sex come up at some point, but I’m getting better at being “disciplined” not to mention, this enlightenment period has pushed my sexual addiction to a lower status on the radar, right below my ice cream addiction. So I’m sincerely trying to make this parenting partnership work and I was willing to establish a relationship with Wifey, but I suppose I have to be patient on that one. I tend to want things right when I want it. According to him, she doesn’t want to “share” him with us. (It’s not like he’s going to be sleeping in my bed and then sleeping in hers…at least not now.) One of my aunts and My Girl told me that I have to go in order for them to reestablish their marriage. Ok, but again, if I go, so does Ayan.
3 comments:
Hmmm....Now don't get your panties in a bunch, because you already KNOW that I am going to say what I feel)
You DO have a way with passive aggressive actions and then not owning up to them so I could see you just strolling in. If you did and even if you didn't, the point is that she perceived that you did and like it or not, they are still married. Yes, you share a child with him but even the judge will tell you that a child can't preempt the marriage certificate(just his wallet). I think part of your current path is correct. Stay out of her space as much as you can because that is in your daughter's best interest and she SHOULD have the benefit of both parents even if they live in 2 different households. I also have to agree with the Auntie, and disagree with you. Ayan needs her father but you don't NEED him(your words). So cut that, "If I go, she goes", nonesense out and let him be as much of a father as he can be and if that means baby daddy returns to step-mom then THAT'S OK TOO...for Ayan. You DON'T have to pretend to not exist but you also don't have to demand things that have NOTHING to do with your daughters' comfort or well being while she is at his home. If the topic is not germane to your daughter's well being, why make it an issue if you truly are over him? Don't let your anger/resentment over their reconciliation or their request for you to be less of a fixture in THEIR household to interfere with what's best for your daughter in the long run. If you are truly over him, act like it...don't just saunter up in his house like your daughter gives you rights there outside of her....because it doesn't.(That one is probably going to piss you off but won't be the first time and I luv ya anyway.)
I am ecstatic that you seem to have gotten back on the high road, for the most part, with this situation. One less thing to frustrate you after your evolution.
PS: I do see MY mother as a guest in my home when she vists. While I may defer to her at times because I love and respect her, it is ULTIMATELY, as a MAN, MY home, MY responsibility and MY call. When I am at her place, I give her the same respect. I had this issue with the ex-wife. She felt her father should RUN things in my househould. WRONG ANSWER! HE knew that could not and SHOULD NOT be the case but she just didn't understand that unwritten rule of male socialization.
PSS: "... I didn’t ask for an invitation to their marriage...".
Can you say, "obstruction of justice"? LMAO!!!
My two cents if you like, I agree with da professa. Keep your distance dont take the baby away from her father at least he makes some attempts to spend time with her. In my opinion you are bitter and you are your own problem. I said this before in one of our conversations keep your cool. Dont go over there acting like you the HNIC because they see you as the other woman. If he was to close his eyes today, your daughter would be without a father and you will really be left alone to raise your daughter. The Wifey will get all the support and respect because she came first. He isn't worth your time nor your energy. Let it go move on! The more attention you pay to it the more drama you endure.
I appreciate everyone's comments. Point of clarification:
Professa: He wasn't saying his mom was a guest in his house, but a guest at the family reunion. As far as me "sauntering" into the house, I didn't attirbute that to a "right" my daughter entitled me to. It had never been a problem before, but it became one when Wifey was present. I mean hell, I've thrown parties at his house. But when my daughter is there, the only thing I ask (and he asks the same of me) is that we have communication. I don't have to be there, that weekend was a special case because of the reunion and his mother wanting to meet me and I wanted to meet her.
Neme: good lookin out
Midwest: Good Point, but sometimes we make decisions based on emotion even when they go aginst what's best for us.
Carmel: Don't recall that conversation and I wouldn't characterize myself as bitter. Bitter is what I was about 4 months ago.
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